A reader who has been fighting to get back together with his ex and failing (so far) asks:
My ex split up with me a few months ago and wanted to stay friends, I had to move out and take all my stuff (we were together for 5 years and lived together for 3 1/2 years with her family). She admitted to having feelings for another guy from her work. We stayed in contact strictly as friends through texting.
At a certain point she admitted to losing the feelings she had for me and she they could probably be rekindled. So I started fighting for this, getting her back was my priority, eventually we were texting “I love you” again and texting each other every opportunity we had. She started making an effort to see me again, actually coming over and inviting me over a lot. We got comfortable again, rolling around and playing in bed or cuddling and watching movies, we even went on a date.
One day we were cuddling she said I should just go, I was in shock and she told me she was done. After a bit of arguing cause I was trying to figure it out since everything was perfect again, I went home. She texted me that night saying “I’m sorry, I can’t let you think it’s all your fault..I did something bad”. She told me she kissed another guy and really liked him.
Although it made me really upset, we weren’t together so I forgave her and said we can keep trying. She says that she wants me to move on and be happy and that we aren’t gonna try anymore. She doesn’t really initiate texts anymore and doesn’t seem upset about it. Whether or not she admits it, she acts jealous when I see her and sees I’m texting another girl. My question is, what do I do here? I love this girl more than anything and there is so much more to tell but I don’t want to type it all out. She means the world to me and I have already fought so hard to get her back. How can I get her back?
To get straight to the point and answer what to do now, back way, WAY off.
It’s time to get to know yourself again as a single guy.
You’ve been spending this whole time cycling your emotions, striving for something with your ex girlfriend, “working” toward getting her back and now it’s time to back off and focus on yourself.
This is not to say that all is lost, not at all.
However, so far you’ve been bending over backwards to accommodate her and that has sucked all mystery out of it. She dumped YOU, remember? Get angry. Pull away from her and start working through it.
It’s time to give her some space to miss you, decide on her own what she’s lost and then see if she wants to reach out to YOU.
She can only do this if she goes out, dates whoever and nothing compares to what you two had together. She has to do this on her own without you around.
So far, she hasn’t had to face the cold, hard reality that you’re broken up (and it was her idea) since she’s had you at her beck and call through this entire breakup. It’s up to you to make her face it. So far, you’ve been allowing her to walk all over you emotionally under the guise of “staying friends.”
I don’t blame you for doing this, it’s ultra common and you didn’t do anything wrong— our instinct is to try hold onto the people we love.
The thing is, at this point, she knows exactly what you have to offer. She won’t be able to get back together with you or reconcile her feelings for you until she gets it out of her system with this other guy AND realizes that she made a mistake.
I know it sucks to hear that, but basically, she has a big case of “grass is greener.” Five years together is a long time. You lived with her family for three and a half years, man! That’s horrendously difficult on it’s own.
That’s why it’s so important that you get yourself back. It sounds like you’ve been marching to the beat of her drummer for YEARS. It’s time to clear the decks, find out what makes YOU happy, play the field and let the cards fall where they may.
So far, you have moved out, that’s great!
Now get yourself somewhere awesome to live (if you haven’t already), get yourself to the gym and start directing your efforts completely toward yourself.
It’s hard as hell, but you’ve got to level up it you’re going to eventually end up happy with her or anyone else. She has her own evolution to go through and if it’s meant to be in the end, it’ll be. But it won’t be because you’re letting her walk all over you and striving to get her attention, quite the opposite. So hang in there. *Hugs*
