Plenty of people can point to a moment when a partner betrayed their trust.
In fact, before our marriage ended, my (now ex) husband came home from a 6 week business trip and announced he “loved me but was not IN love with me” because he had his eye on another woman he worked with.
He left our home that night and never returned.
Understanding the real reasons why men have affairs won’t guarantee you never feel that pain, but it can give you clarity and help you make stronger choices about your own relationships.
Research from relationship therapists and large-scale studies shows common patterns and trends behind infidelity.
According to Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences by Ami Rokach and Sybil Chan, research suggests that while the gap between rates of infidelity among men and women is narrowing, men still cheat more often than women.
These patterns are worth knowing if you want to protect your heart. Here are nine of the most common reasons why men have affairs:
1. He is emotionally dissatisfied
Some men cheat because they feel cut off inside the relationship.
Men surveyed by Gary Neuman, author of The Truth About Cheating rated higher, with 92% of men rating emotional dissatisfaction as the number 1 reason they cheated.
They might share a home and daily life but feel unseen or ignored. Attention from someone new can feel like air when they’ve been holding their breath.
This distance builds quietly. Conversations stay shallow. Affection fades. Stress piles up.
When a man feels lonely next to the person he loves, the pull toward someone who listens and cares can be strong.
For these men, the affair isn’t about sex. It’s about being noticed and understood.
The new connection fills an emotional gap they can’t close at home.
A study published in The Journal of Sex Research which analyzed surveys completed by members of AshleyMadison.com confirmed this pattern.
Men who cheated were strongly motivated by dissatisfaction with their primary partner.
Relationship problems drove infidelity more than attraction to someone else.
The research revealed something telling: how satisfied men were with their affair partners didn’t predict why they cheated.
Cheating is often about what’s missing at home, not about finding someone better.
Different men cheat for different reasons. Some are driven by emotional needs. Others by sexual dissatisfaction or anger.
While emotional dissatisfaction is the most common reason why men have affairs, the specific triggers vary.
2. It really did just happen
When a woman flirts or gives him more attention than he’s used to, he may feel a sudden rush of appreciation.
Appreciation and feeling wanted can act like catnip for men. Sometimes, the novelty of someone new showing interest is enough to tip the scale.
When a man says, “I didn’t mean to, it just happened,” he might actually be telling the truth.
Think of stories like sleeping with the secretary at the office party after a few drinks— these often come from this exact pattern.
It doesn’t make cheating okay, but the excuse “it just happened” can hold more truth than most women want to believe.
3. He is looking for a way out
Some men use cheating as a way to exit the relationship without having to say they want out.
Often, these are the husbands who don’t bother hiding their affairs because deep down, they’re hoping their spouse will make the decision for them.
It’s a coward’s way out, but for some, cheating feels easier than admitting they don’t want to be there anymore.
4. Divorce is expensive and emotional
Even today most men are still the higher earners in heterosexual families.
Divorce is expensive and could ruin a lot that a man has established in his life.
If he doesn’t want to deal with divorce, separating assets, and child custody matters, he will take the easy way out of his unhappiness by stepping out on his marriage.
5. He doesn’t know what he wants
Men will sometimes have affairs when they aren’t sure what to do with the relationship.
Maybe divorce? Maybe not?
They rationalize that having an affair will help them magically figure out if they really are happier with another person.
6. Cheating feeds his ego
Some men cheat because it gives them a hit of validation they can’t find in themselves.
They chase attention to feel powerful, wanted, or important.
When someone ties their self worth to being desired, they are relying on outside approval to prop up their value.
If they don’t imagine they are getting that feeling in their main relationship, they may look for it somewhere else.
7. One of his friends has gotten away with it
When a friend cheats and faces no real fallout, it plants a seed.
Suddenly, cheating doesn’t look as risky.
If his buddy got away with it, why wouldn’t he?
This kind of peer influence lowers the barrier for men who are already restless or unhappy. Hearing the story makes having an affair seem normal, even smart.
For some, it feels like a ready-made excuse to cross the line they were already thinking about.
8. Sexual novelty
Some men have affairs because they crave the thrill of something new like a different body with an entirely different, new energy.
That first-time charge can feel intoxicating compared to the familiarity of a long relationship. It’s less about love and more about the dopamine hit of fresh desire.
A research review by Heather Morton and Boris B. Gorzalka published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy states:
“Sexual arousal and desire appear to decrease in response to partner familiarity and increase in response to partner novelty in men and women. Evidence to date suggests that this effect may be greater in men.”
The excitement of a new partner triggers the brain’s reward system, making the affair feel urgent and alive.
For these men, the pull isn’t about fixing some problem at home.
Having an affair is more about chasing that spark of discovery, even when they value the relationship they already have.
9. Revenge
Revenge might be one of the least common reasons for cheating, but it is common enough that it’s bled into popular culture.
Their spouse or partner had an affair so they do so as well to show their partner how it made them feel. Productive? No.
But definitely a reason why men have affairs.
If it seems like revenge is the main reason why your man had an affair, it begs for some self reflection on why you would stay with someone you cheated on.
Why did you cheat? Is it time to stick a fork in this relationship because it’s dead? Or is it fixable?
The Bottom Line about Why Men Have Affairs
While there are many reasons why men have affairs, emotional dissatisfaction consistently emerges as the primary factor.
As I’ve shared, research shows that men are most likely to cheat when they feel something essential is missing from their relationship and emotional life.
Many women ask me, “Elizabeth, how can I prevent my partner from cheating?”
While you can never control another person’s choices— nor should you try— focusing on the goodwill in your relationship can really help.
Do your best to communicate well, listen deeply, maintain a positive atmosphere, and avoid sweating the small stuff (and I’m not implying that cheating is small stuff).
After all, most of us prefer coming home to someone who doesn’t fixate on every mistake we make.
Important caveats: If your partner cheats, it is not your fault.
Infidelity is a choice, and there are far better ways to address relationship dissatisfaction than betraying your partner’s trust.
Cheating typically creates more problems than it solves. If someone was unhappy before an affair, they’re likely to be much worse off afterward.
The trust issues that result from infidelity can be devastating and difficult to repair.
Whether to stay with a partner who has cheated is ultimately a deeply personal decision that only you can make based on your own situation.
MORE: How to Bring Lust Back Into A Relationship– 12 Ways To Keep The Sex Alive
