We’ve all giggled at the goofy commercials but ED is a problem that affects nearly every relationship at one time or another. Felicity Keith offers up some advice on the topic.
“Hi Felicity! I met the love of my life at age 59 and we are now engaged (he’s 58 & I’m 60). We are both fit, healthy & look much younger than our years. But we have a sexual problem, one that is very common to many.
My sweetheart has erectile dysfunction. I bought medication for him but it hasn’t worked. He goes above & beyond to satisfy me but I think it’s a bit of overkill. I get exhausted and so wiped out from aggressive oral & manual stimulation, sometimes twice a day but definitely every day.
I’ve discussed this with him and he tries to slow down a bit but goes right back after a few days. I tried explaining that, if he was able to perform regularly, he could NEVER keep up a schedule like that. Any suggestions for me?”
Wow! That is wonderful to have a partner so committed to making sure you are sexually satisfied. However, ouch, what you describe would be a bit of overkill for most women.
Our lady bits are the most sensitive part of our body and is home to over 8000 nerve endings all packed into one very small area. It’s pretty common to need some downtime after a round of focused stimulation. Plus, a climax itself can be emotionally (as well as physically) draining.
I definitely encourage you to explain that to him directly. Too much attention in that one glorious location can equal a whole lotta discomfort for you!
An important thing for you to understand as well is that ED can be a big blow to a his self-esteem. For so many guys, his entire identity as a man is connected to his penis in some manner. And combine that with how much of his sexual self-worth comes from pleasing his woman… well, when the little guy isn’t cooperating, it can be devastating.
His over-eagerness to make certain you are satisfied in the Big O department is likely an effort to compensate for the ED and also to boost his confidence that he KNOWS he satisfies you.
The problem is that it sounds like in all of his effort to focus on you, he’s forgotten to check in and make sure you are enjoying yourself.
One question I have is whether you’ve tried more than just one type of ED medication? Because, like with so many medical and health issues, it can take some trial and error to find the right dosage or type of medicine that works. I definitely encourage you both to not give up!
Now, back to your uncomfortable situation…
My suggestion is to take climaxing off the table for a defined period of time, like say for a week or two. Tell him instead of focusing on you reaching climax, you are both going to focus on enjoying the pleasure of sensual physical touch. Kissing, massage, exploring other erogenous zones besides genitals.
Sex and intimacy are so much more than just intercourse and climaxing.
You could play with different sensations using massage oil, ice cubes, soft fabrics, etc. Just enjoy taking turns running these items across different parts of your body and enjoy how it feels.
You can also take long baths or showers together where you wash each other’s hair and soap up each others bodies. Basically, get in touch with things that feel wonderful and loving and sensual to remind each other that there is more to your bedroom life than nether region stimulation.
Another fun idea is to enjoy a supercharged make out session. Just like back when you were teenagers. You could drive the car to a place like the beach or to a drive-in movie (if you live near one that still operates) and kiss like crazy.
All of these activities are mutually pleasurable.
You will probably discover a slower pace and things that feel good you’d either never imagined or had forgotten. And that gives you a new menu of options to choose from down the road.
Once the no-climax period is over with, you can reincorporate pleasure “down there” from him. Just encourage that slower pace and tenderness.
In the program The Language of Desire I teach over 30 fun techniques that amp up the intimacy in any relationship. There is even an entire section devoted to what to do if there are obstacles to overcome in your sex life.