What To Do When Someone Doesn’t Want You, But You Want Them


what to do when you want someone who doesn't want you, coping with rejection, how to deal with rejection

Most questions that I get from customers during the course of my day have something to do with unrequited love.

Wanting someone who doesn’t want you (at least right now) is super common, and I get it. It’s a crappy situation, and I’ve been through it myself.

In my early 20’s, I had several make-up, breakup, dead-end, unrequited love affairs that were painful enough to make me desperate to figure out how to stop wanting someone who, despite my cutest, best efforts—would never want a relationship with me. And, those failed relationships led me to becoming the coach I am today.

Maybe you can relate and are dealing with some painful situation of your own.

I used to believe in movie love, the kind where no matter what kind of abuse the subject of our hero’s love dished out, they would keep coming back for more.

In real life, this is called masochism and a really hard road. On the silver screen, it’s LOVE, spelled in neon, flashing capital letters. I embodied the Meatloaf song, “I Would Do Anything For Love.” Good ‘ol power ballads. Anyhow, I digress.

Movie love incorporates devotion with suffering, persistence and drama.

The romantic comedy wouldn’t be quite as entertaining if people simply coupled up, coped with boredom, sexual frustration and various ups and downs, until one of them threw in the towel after five years because they developed feelings for Barry in accounting.

The end.

No interesting epilogue, no fireworks.

One person simply leaves for Barry, and the other person licks their wounds for a while, gets back on the horse and copes with some dead-end relationship until they eventually settle down with a nice brunette in the suburbs.

In the movies, the torments and trials are always met with heavy desire from at least one of them to keep going despite the distance, pain, or lack of encouragement. No circumstance is too dire for love to overcome. I fancied myself as one of these romantic characters, one for which love would never falter.

And that mistaken devotion, my friends, used to get me into SO MUCH TROUBLE until I learned something very important that I want to share with you today.

But first, let’s talk about the time I traveled all the way to South Africa to chase after a man.

This ill-fated voyage took place AFTER he told me two days before my flight that he had just met someone else and wanted to be “just friends.” Did I cancel my trip? Did I fly there anyway but skip seeing him and venture off alone?

Nope. Not me. I stayed with him for THREE WHOLE WEEKS, indulging in the delusional belief that it was still, somehow meant to be.

Spoiler alert: We haven’t spoken since.

And, this experience was just one of the many reasons why I completely understand the desire to work, strive, force, cajole and pine over relationships that are already dead or clearly doomed. Hopeful is in my DNA.

And, it’s why if you’re going through the awful situation of wanting someone who doesn’t seem to want you, I can SO relate with you.

This one lesson will save you from so much embarrassment, devastation and heartbreak. It’s simple but not easy.

Let me say this in the most crystal clear way possible:

You are number one.

No matter what, you are number one.

Read it, believe it, and say it with me:

“I’m number one.”

From now on, you are your first priority no matter what.

This simply means that no matter what is happening in your relationship, you look after yourself first.

If you feel crappy, you make a change.

If you’re told “no more,” you walk away and let the other person wake up day after day without you around.

Being your own number one means doing whatever it takes to let go of any attachment that isn’t serving you.

You have to show yourself mercy, because the person you’re trying to strive for, date, be with, and/or get back together with sure as hell isn’t going to. They’re going to be off with Barry in accounting.

They’ve ALREADY decided for whatever reason that you aren’t it, at least for right now.

And the more you argue with them and try to change their mind using logic and reason, the worse you’re going to feel about yourself.

Also, their reasons for leaving or not being interested in you do not really matter unless they are directly related to something you can change or a negative way that you are behaving toward them.

Now, I’m not saying, “dump the person you’re with” or “refuse to work on a relationship that has slumped.”

I’m saying that if you’re in sickening place where you’ve been dumped, left or ignored, if you’re being thrown crumbs, it’s time to mentally divorce yourself from that situation, choose to love yourself first and let go.

From now on, only be loyal to people who deserve it.

…and, this means you.

If you want someone back, I completely understand– and you shouldn’t feel ashamed of that.

I help people get back together and salvage their relationships every day. But you won’t get someone back using logic and reason or sticking around and trying to negotiate with them.

Check out this video I made for you that explains 3 mistakes to avoid if you want any chance of getting back together.

Elizabeth Stone

About Elizabeth Stone

Elizabeth Stone is a bestselling author, head love coach and founder of Attract The One.

Through her coaching, writing and online programs she has helped thousands of women reunite with their men and create amazing, soul-level connections. She is thrilled to have helped so many couples reignite the spark in their relationships.

Tirelessly focused on helping people improve their love lives, her work has gone viral on Your Tango and Thought Catalog as well as been featured on EHarmony Blog, Mogul, The Good Men Project, Fox News Magazine, Ravishly, Femalista, Popsugar, Read Unwritten, Medium and many more.

One Comment

  1. Masuka Chimombe

    July 7, 2016 at 8:31 am

    There comes a time in a person’s life when you need to stop begging someone to love you,you think you can not let go but in actual fact you can,you are stronger than you think.I can relate because i was once there in a relationship where i begged but i finally stopped,it may take time for you to heal but if you take one step at a time you will be fine.Thank you so much for the post.

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