Stop The Crisis! Learn How to Save Your Marriage!
In the U.S. the incredible sum of almost a million married couples get a divorce yearly. If all the denizens of the city of Houston, Texas divorced, that would be roughly the same number of people.
The real question is could these marriages be saved? It’s just unfortunate that this question is one that can’t really be answered. It’s difficult to get good statistics on marriages that do manage to stay together. To quote Marian Wright Edelman, “Statistics are stories with the tears washed off”.
Is your marriage beyond saving? If I had the answer, I would be rich beyond my dreams. If there’s one that I can assure you of, it’s that if you don’t do anything, your marriage is doomed to fail. Trying to find a solution will give you a much higher possibility of saving your marriage.
I would suggest trying these four simple steps to save your marriage. Go ahead and start now. Now you should understand I said “basic” and this does not mean “easy” because this will not be easily done. If you want to make your marriage work, these steps will serve as a road map to getting your marriage back on the right path.
Four steps follow to get started on saving your marriage:
1. Stop the blame game.
Quit blaming yourself and your partner. Often times, marriages get stuck in a vicious circle of blame that makes it difficult to communicate in an effective manner. Without communication, you won’t be able to make any progress.
We use blame so that we don’t have to clearly see ourselves. It’s a lot easier to blame someone else for your marriage’s problems, but in truth a marriage is between two people – and the problems of your marriage are as much your fault as your partner’s.
Sadly, casting blame only feels better for a short time, because in the long-term it changes nothing. Even if you can prove the reasons you or your partner deserve the blame, you should forget it. A list made up of facts won’t help bring the two of you back together. Blame fans the flames of divorce.
2. Accept responsibility.
Make the decision, and take steps to save your marriage. All change begins with just one person who really wants to see it happen. Remember by taking responsibility that does not mean you are to blame (see above).
What tactics does your spouse use to push your buttons? Instead of passing blame back and forth, be proactive and ask yourself what you can do differently, and acknowledge that the who is at fault is not what matters most – solving the problem is the most important thing. What buttons send your spouse over the edge? Choose to keep them from pushing your buttons and don’t push their buttons either.
One of the things that surprises me during counseling is everyone knows what is wrong and right behavior. Although, it is hard to go in that direction. Don’t get trapped by this. Figure out what you need to do to get started.
This is the difference between blame and responsibility: “I am in a building that is on fire, I have the option of standing there trying to find out who started the fire, what caused it to spread so fast and who I can sue for this” (blame) or “I could get as many people out as possible” (taking responsibility). A marriage that is in danger is like a house on fire. What actions will you take to save your marriage?
3. Ask experts for help.
Take solace in the fact that others have been helped, and know that that means you too can patch things up. Experts can have a lot more experience and insight being a big help in this type situation. Go over things and separate the futile from the productive, then utilize the productive.
Don’t make the assumption that your circumstances are unlike any one else’s. After providing 20-some years of therapy, I can say there isn’t much different that I hear at all. The story is never the same but the point is generally the same.
To quote Albert Einstein “The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them”, simply interpreted the thing that got you into this situation will not get you out. You need a brand new way of thinking for this. That is what an expert brings to the situation a fresh new outlook on things.
4. Take action.
The worst thing you can do is do nothing at all. The circumstances can easily cause you to become paralyzed. Therapists speak about “analysis paralysis”, which is a condition where a person gets so wrapped up in thought and trying to “figure things out” they don’t act on the situation.
You need to do more than understand the cause of your problems. You have to act! Daily, I see people who believe if they simply understand what their problem is, then that is enough for the problem to fix itself. This is not how it works. Action is the only way to resolve problems.
Will you save your marriage? Take my words of advice and run with them, because doing something is always better than doing nothing. It takes two to make a marriage work but only one of the two can really ruin the entire relationship. You are able to do your part only, sometimes this is enough. Stop sitting around asking questions and act. No time like the present.