There is so much conflicting love advice out there about whether or not it is right to change yourself to attract someone into your life.
On one hand, you want someone to be deeply and spiritually connected to who you actually are, but on the other, how do you know then you’re getting off on the wrong foot and needlessly scaring people away?
My advice about whether you should change to attract the right person is that it depends on whether you’re living what you deem to be your best life.
Are you skipping around every day, thrilled to be living your fabulous life?
Do you look the best that you can given your genetics and environment?
Do you take care of yourself emotionally AND physically?
Do you feel great about yourself?
Do you hate your job, living situation or appearance?
Do you feel deep down that you would like to change for you?
Deep down, only you can say whether you are living your best life.
I’d be willing to bet that like most of us (I’m definitely included) you have some days which are better than others.
Sometimes you feel super put together and ready to take on the world. Then there are other days where you’re looking and smelling wonderful but you’re in an absolutely foul mood. Sometimes your yoga pants are just what you need to feel happy and content. Sometimes it’s time to bring out the fat jeans and suck it in because that’s all there is to do. This is all human.
Often, dating authors wax on and on about how you should try to turn yourself into a fashion plate to meet someone. They talk about losing weight, going to the gym, getting a makeover, dressing differently.
The problem is, this advice is well intentioned, but it misses the point.
Have you ever thought to yourself, “if I don’t look or act a certain way, I’ll never meet anyone?” it’s this feeling that drives so many people over the edge. It’s easy to feel like you’ll never succeed in finding love if you don’t look and act a certain way.
On the other hand, women often get really upset about the whole “change to meet a man idea” and refuse to do basic self care with the excuse that “he’ll love me for who I am.” That isn’t really fair either. Are you taking care of yourself and feeling good? Are you doing the emotional work necessary to allow a man to get close to you and want to stay close? No, it’s all about you.
I’m not going to tell you that you’re doing a great job if you aren’t. That isn’t my style and I deeply believe that I owe you better.
If you feel like you are absolutely living your best life, there is nothing you are unhappy with and you have just not met the right person, wonderful job. Shine on, you crazy diamond.
For everyone else who is not quite where they want to be, I want to impress upon you the idea that like attracts like. You will only gain the kind of amazing relationship you are looking for when you commit yourself to being amazing in each and every way you can.
If you are having more good days than bad and have committed yourself to working on things you love and crafting a lifestyle that you are thrilled about, I commend you. If things are still a work in progress but you have made the strong statement of self care necessary to live your dream life, I commend you.
If you haven’t started yet, but are sitting around bemoaning the fact that prince charming isn’t outside beating your door down, I must ask, why?
If you are interested in attracting someone amazing in your life, you must be someone amazing.
I know the seeds are in there, but it’s important to embark upon the journey, knowing that something better awaits you which you will gain whether you remain single or not.
In order to get your dream relationship, you must lay the groundwork so that the person you attract isn’t forced to compromise.
You must raise your standards for yourself. Remember that you must aspire to become someone else’s dream as well. This isn’t about changing your hairstyle or sweating around the gym. It’s about gaining the ability to be happy and confident about where you are with your life in this moment.
If you need to make some life changes to make this easier to do, the time is now. You have nothing to lose by aspiring to live more of the life of your dreams whether or not you have the relationship you want.