(Go back to part 3 of this episode here.)
The next question is from Kenneth who wonders what he should do when his ex has mentioned seriously dating another guy and has pulled away.
My ex and I broke up back in January of this year. She reached out to me in June and said that she wanted to be friends.
Of course, I said yes.
Things were a little rocky from the start but she began to slowly open up after each positive date that we had. I started to think that all was well until she started doing these sudden pullbacks out of nowhere just as you described in riding the dragon phase. When she pulls back, she sends these emotional texts saying that she wants to be friends and that she is keeping her options open and dating others.
I ignored the content of these texts and continue to have very positive dates with her. Things usually lead up to intimacy and even have long hugs and kisses at the end of these dates.
These pullback patterns happened several times.
Then during our last date, I noticed that something was off about her. We still hugged intimately and kissed goodbye.
Then, the following week, I noticed that she’d been very distant and sometimes non-responsive to my texts.
She eventually opens up to me and says that she’s seeing someone else. I tell her that even though she is seeing someone else, we’ve been connecting so well I still believe that we shouldn’t stop seeing each other.
She responds back and says that her date probably wouldn’t like it if he knew that she’s hanging out with me.
I told her that I’d give her some time to settle with her new date and that I’ll reach back out in a few days.
My question is do I ignore her new date and keep doing what I’ve been doing, which is asking to get together?”
First of all, I want to make it clear that we have been talking about how the friend zone is not something you need to worry about, right?
Your ex is most likely attracted to you assuming you haven’t gone through some sort of massive physical transformation.
And, it’s OK to be friends with your ex.
Agreeing to be friends with your ex is OK because it gives them a context in which to continue to see you, right?
If your ex thinks that the two of you are dating or they have to make a decision right now about whether the two of you are going to be in a relationship or not, that’s going to put a lot of pressure on them.
They might feel as if they need to make a decision that they’re not prepared to make.
If your ex has to make a decision about getting back together with you that they’re not prepared to make, they will often choose no.
They will choose not to be with you.
They’ll choose not to interact with you because that is the safe choice to make, right?
So if your ex girlfriend is seeing somebody else and she doesn’t want to see you, it’s because she views you as someone beyond just a friend.
Right now, emotionally, she’ll always see you as somebody beyond just a friend.
But intellectually, your ex needs to be able to say to herself, “OK, you know we’re just friends. So I can go ahead and spend time with you. I can go ahead and see Kenneth. I can go ahead and hang out and all of that.”
Obviously, your ex girlfriend is still attracted to you because she has been attracted to you in the past and assuming you haven’t gone through some kind of big emotional change or physical change or whatever, she’s probably still attracted to you.
So just go ahead and continue on with developing that emotional connection with her. Say to your ex girlfriend:
“Hey, I understand but I have had such a great time to connecting with you. Would you be open to just being friends for the time being?”
That would would give her intellectual mind the ability to rationalize how she can spend time with you while you continue to work on and develop the emotional connection between the two of you.
In that way, under that context, she can experience the best of you and she can also experience this other person and she can decide which one of you she actually wants to be in a relationship with.
Assuming you’re able to continuously develop your emotional connection with her and strengthen that emotional connection, then you should definitely be able to stand head and shoulders above the person that you used to be and most likely anyone else she’s been seeing.
Continue to part 5 of this episode here.
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