“How Do I Get My Ex Girlfriend To Open Up And Connect Like We Used To?”


(Go back to part 1 of this episode here.)

Goodman writes in and asks how to get his ex girlfriend to open up when she seems to be keeping their conversations on a surface level:

“Hi, Clay! I haven’t heard from my ex for a while. During my last conversation with her on the phone I said:

It feels to me that our conversation is very surface level and it makes me feel a big wall in between us.”

Her response was, “I intentionally keep things at a surface level which is a healthy boundary I want to keep.”

Even when I said there might be a limiting belief in the society and let us do what we can do to be not awkward. I also try to relate to my own feelings being vulnerable and tried to get her to talk more about feelings and she just dodged questions to surface level.

What can I try to get my ex girlfriend to open up as she seems using “politeness trap” to be her healthy boundary?

With thanks and hope to stay in touch with new and old fellow MLA numbers.


OK, Goodman. What I would probably do to get your ex girlfriend to open up in this situation is be totally vulnerable and honest with your her in a positive sort of way.

We talked about the difference between positive and negative vulnerability in the past. I don’t know the exact reason why she broke up with you but I would be open and honest with her and say something to the effect of:

“I am going to be completely honest with you as well, I feel a sense of disconnect too. I think part of it is my fault. I think I’ve been having this hidden agenda to really show you that I’m not the kind of person that you broke up with.

I’ve been really attached to the outcome of trying to prove to you that I’m not this jerk that you broke up with/the guy who never talks about his emotions or whatever who you broke up with.

I think if we drop all of these hidden agendas and things that we’re worried about and we were completely open, honest, vulnerable and forthright with about what we want, I think that we could have a pretty good connection with one another.

So I’m willing to let go of all of my hidden agendas.

I just want you to know that I really like having you in my life.

I miss the way that we used to talk.

I’m not saying that as somebody who’s trying to get back together with you or anything like that, I just want to cut to the BS and just get to know you as a person.

Is that something that you’d be willing to do?”

Having an open and honest conversation like that with your ex girlfriend would be a great way to invite her to let go of her own hesitations and reservations about interacting with you.

Connecting with your ex girlfriend doesn’t have to be complicated.

It just has to be honest.

Often, being honest about vulnerable things like this can be outside of our awareness because we’re often caught up in our different hidden agendas, attachments to outcomes, and ways we think things are that it seems impossible, ridiculous or ludicrous to just come right out and say how we feel and what we want.

I want you to know that you can do that.

You can’t do that if you do it in the right sort of way, where it’s not you know clinging to outcome, using somebody as a means to an end and all that other stuff that we talk about.

You’re really just owning your experience and directly asking for what you actually want from your ex.

So I hope that helps you out, Goodman. And if you do have time to ask another question, please go ahead and do so.

Otherwise, I want you to know that it’s been a pleasure to get to know you over these past several months and see you grow and develop as you work on these advanced relational skills.

And if you ever decide to come back, I want you to know that there’s always a place for you inside the modern love association. Please take care!

Continue to part 3 of this episode here.

Want to get close to your ex again?

To find out how to create a strong emotional connection with your ex, visit my website here and fill out the quick quiz.

I’ll send over your free report, 5 Unconscious Signs Your Ex Still Wants You (Hint: C.A.P.E.T.) and customized tips, strategies and advice to rebuild your connection.

Click here to get started.

Clay Andrews

About Clay Andrews

Clay Andrews and Mika Terao bring their client’s relationships back from the brink.

Get their free report, 5 Unconscious Signs Your Ex Still Wants You (Hint: C.A.P.E.T.).

If you are an action-taker who wants to get your ex back, Clay and Mika will show you everything you need to know to have a deeper and more profound connection with your ex, so that you both can have a second shot at lasting love (even if your situation feels hopeless). Find out more here now.

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