Recently I had a series of private phone sessions with a person who was very frustrated. Listen to how this person described their situation. I bet you’ll be able to relate to it.
This woman said she felt trapped in her basement trying to communicate with her husband via Morse Code.
She said she was banging on the pipes trying desperately to make their husband listen to her.
She would bang on the pipes and wait for a response.
Bang and wait…bang and wait…bang and wait.
But each time she finished banging, there was silence.
No matter how hard she banged and no matter how long she waited; her husband never heard her.
Let me ask you.
Are you trying to feel heard?
Do you feel ignored by your husband?
Is your husband not responding to your communication?
Do you want to know how to make your husband listen to you and WANT to talk to you?
We live in an interesting time.
With one click, you can communicate with anyone in the world. It’s easy, quick, and free. You even have options. If you don’t want to click, you could dial, beep, page, instant-message, or Fed Ex.
Your ability to communicate with the outside world has become increasingly easy. But my guess is that your ability to communicate with your husband has become increasingly difficult.
The reason for this is that most people confuse INFORMATION communication with PERSONAL communication.
Technological advancements give us all sorts of options to communicate information. But how do you feel the pulse of someone’s soul? How do you communicate the subtleties in your heart?
You can’t text message that. You can have the latest and greatest in communication gadgets, but it won’t matter.
Personal communication is a whole different ball game. And it’s personal communication that determines the success or failure of your marriage.
I’m reminded of a scene from a Broadway play. A man and woman happen to meet on a train and engage in polite conversation. They were both headed home to New York after a day in New Haven, CT.
After further discussion, they learned that they were going to the same building on Fifth Avenue. Lo and behold they discovered that they had the same daughter and lived in the same apartment. They finally discovered that they were husband and wife.
You know what’s killing marriages these days?
More and more I’m seeing husbands and wives resort to email to communicate with each other.
You want to do something tangible TODAY to improve your marriage?
Stop emailing your husband.
Email is for information. But in a marriage you’ve got to hear each other. And I don’t mean hear the sounds of each other’s words.
You’ve got to be able to hear the silence between the sounds and interpret the unspoken meaning of a pressed lips or teary eyes. You’ve got to be able to hear the shapes and sounds in each other’s heart.
You can NOT accomplish this via email.
And let me be clear about something; you can’t do it with communication techniques either.
There’s no clinical communication therapy that can help you and your husband think each other’s thoughts, feel each other joy, and cringe from each other’s pain.
If you’re like most people who are having trouble with their marriage, you’ve been down the path of being disappointed by marriage counseling and you know that it does NOT work.
Today my 4-year-old son came to me with a bruise on his leg. He was crying and I could see that it was black and blue. He said, “Daddy, I need a band-aide.”
I responded, “But it’s not bleeding.”
He said again, “Daddy, can you put a band-aide on it?”
I realized that my son’s perspective was that when something hurts a band-aide makes it better… even if it’s a bruise and not a cut.
So what does this have to do with making your husband listen to you?
Because most people think that if husbands aren’t hearing each other that learning more communication techniques will solve the problem.
…But that’s like putting a band-aide on a bruise. It’s the wrong solution.
Communication techniques can help colleagues transmit information clearly.
Communication techniques belong in seminars that teach negotiation and sales. But you’re not trying to complete a transaction with your husband; you’re trying to renew your relationship.
I can almost guarantee you that your problem is not clarity about the problem; it’s genuine concern.
Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t actually care what their spouse thinks or feels.
They “got it,” but “it” simply doesn’t matter to them anymore.
How do you get back to the place where you AND your husband care about the marriage again?
This is one of the things that’s unique about my approach to repairing a relationship versus traditional counseling.
Most approaches to marriage and relationship success preach verbal communication skills as the answer.
Did you know that communicating effectively will NOT create love in your marriage?
In fact, the correlation is the exact opposite.
Creating love in your marriage paves the way for truly effective communication.
I’ll prove it to you.
Think about when you fell in love.
How was your communication with your husband?
In fact, when you’re deeply in love with someone, you communicate with the wink of an eye and you can finish each other’s sentences.
At the beginning of the relationship, you hadn’t known each other very long and you definitely hadn’t learned any specific communication techniques.
Then, years later, after getting to know each other inside and out, employing psychologically tested and proven communication strategies and taking into account all the differences between Mars and Venus, you can’t seem to get through to each other.
Listen carefully: Communication has very little to do with techniques or knowledge of each other.
It has everything to do with the depth of connection between the communicators.
The question you should be asking is NOT, “How do I communicate effectively with my husband” or “how do I make my husband listen to me?”
The most important question you should be asking is, “How do I connect with my husband again?”
Once you reconnect with your husband, you won’t be sitting in silence in the basement. You’ll hear the sound of the pipes from above. It’ll be your husband. You were finally heard.
To really connect with your husband again, subscribe to my FREE report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage” and get my FREE marriage assessment.