How To I Stop Divorce After My Husband Had An Affair?

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unhappy couple

A reader writes:

“Me and my husband were married young. He recently had a short affair, which was ended but he still has some feelings for the girl which he didn’t have for me. Now he says it’s hard for him to love me again and he wants a divorce but still wants me in his life as a friend. What does he mean? What can I do to stop him from divorcing? It’s been 3 months since he ended his affair.”

—Wantmyhusbandback

Dear Wantmyhusbandback,

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Going through a divorce you don’t want is one of the most painful things imaginable.

First, please don’t take any of this as me blaming you, because I’m not. Not at all. I’m here talking to you, because your husband doesn’t want to talk— like you said, he told you he’s done. That’s why for at least a little while, it’s time to accept, without resentment that you’re the only one working on this. You’re the only one who wants your marriage, so it’s your work to do. It’s not fair, but it’s the truth.

You can want him back, you can want to stop divorce, you can feel like he’s deserting the kids (if you have them), you can believe in your heart of hearts that he’s wrong and he’ll change his mind. But what you want is not important to him. So the act of you trying to get your way right now is only going to push him further away from you.

Your husband is unhappy and he’s doing whatever he can to fill that void. He might be dangling the friendship carrot so that you’re not angry with him and he doesn’t feel guilty, him saying that really doesn’t have any bearing on what’s happening right now. He’s got to go have his crisis, sow his oats, do whatever, and as much as I’d love to tell you otherwise, you don’t have any control over that.

Zero.

What you do have control over (and this is bigger than it probably feels) is how you act around him. You have a choice with every interaction to act a certain way. You can choose to act totally heartbroken and repellant, or you can choose to act happy. You can corner him about his feelings and dig for him to change his mind or you can make light jokes. Choose levity and light talk, always. Stop all relationship-related conversations. Seriously. ALL of them. Do not corner him, lie in wait, try to discuss the future or express jealousy about anything. Act perfectly happy with things just the way they are.

If you’ve been chasing him in any way— whether it’s to talk, complain, convince, or get him to respond to you a certain way at all— stop immediately.

If he’s to stop the divorce, it won’t be because you pressured him into it. Right now, treat him like he’s allergic to any and all forms of pressure.

And— this may sound completely counterintuitive— it’s time to stop worrying about what he’s doing and place your focus squarely back on yourself.

If you’ve been trying to be super wife in an effort to show him what he’s missing out on, quit. If you’ve been worried about the other woman or trying to track where he’s going or what he’s doing, stop completely.

It’s time to focus on fortifying yourself for what’s to come and make YOURSELF happy. People rarely leave radiantly happy spouses. They leave spouses (both male and female) who have allowed the light to go out in their eyes.

I’m willing to bet that somewhere along the way, during the crush and pressure of everyday life, as well as his affair, you’ve reached a point where your happiness hasn’t been your priority. It’s time to reverse that trend. Reignite your interests in your passions, reconnect with friends, make yourself as happy as humanly possible. After all, you’re who you’ve got right now.

Rooting for you,

-Elizabeth Stone

MORE: How to Get Your Ex Back in 9 Critical Steps

Elizabeth Stone

About Elizabeth Stone

Elizabeth Stone is the founder of Attract The One.

Her popular program Ex Attraction Formula, has helped hundreds of women reunite with their men. She is thrilled to have helped so many people reignite the spark in their relationships.

Tirelessly focused on helping people improve their love lives, her work has been featured on EHarmony Blog, YourTango, Thought Catalog, Mogul, The Good Men Project, Fox News Magazine, Ravishly, Femalista, Popsugar, Read Unwritten, Medium and many more.

One Comment

  1. WantMyHusbandBackToo

    September 13, 2018 at 6:39 pm

    I was shocked to read my story in someone else’s life. My husband and I had been together for almost 8 years. Of those, 3 of them were long distance. A month before our wedding day he confessed he had cheated with a work colleague during the previous month and had developed feelings for her but didn’t want to lose me and wanted me to forgive him and move forward with the wedding. I agreed and he said he ended the affair. We got married 3 months ago, but coming on our second month of marriage he told me he couldn’t love me again and wanted a divorce but wanted to stay friends because he didn’t want me out of his life. He moved out of our apt into a friend’s place but only took his essentials, most of his stuff is still at our place. He contacts me every day with a random Snapchat but says he doesn’t want to get back together because he “can’t go back”. I want to fix things and am willing to do whatever it takes. But i do not know if I should cut off all communication or if I should be my best self during our interactions as you mention here. I’m at a standstill and super confused as to what would be the best way to fix this.

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