In order to avoid change, it’s ultra-common for people to create diversions, distractions and conflict as subterfuge for the hard truth that it’s time to tell their significant other that they just aren’t that significant anymore.
Frankly, before people are ready to make changes in their lives, they’ll engage in all matter of bizarre behavior to avoid conflict.
Here are only some of the ways that people put off their inevitable break up.
Author’s note: This is satire, not instructions.
1. You’re thinking of moving and hoping the distance will naturally end the relationship.
“No, honey don’t bother moving across country with me (even though you could), we’ll just do long distance.” Said no happily committed person ever.
Similar to Jeremy’s story from a few weeks ago about why it’s hard to leave a bad relationship, you’re desperately hoping that the other person will simply stop calling if you make a pilgrimage somewhere… anywhere… else.
2. You’ve launched into an ambitious self improvement routine.
Gym attendance at an all time high? Check. Finally lost that spare tire? Check. Sudden new interest in grooming when you didn’t care before? Yup. The act of eyeing the door has launched you off the couch and back into looking-for-a-mate fighting shape.
3. You’ve consulted everyone you know about how your relationship is going.
Your OTHER loved ones have heard all about how much your relationship sucks, to the point that they’ve rehearsed your breakup speech in their heads for you. They’re dying for you to make a change. One by one, you’re starting to suspect that they *might* be avoiding your calls.
4. Your pre-ex has suddenly started making a lot of public displays of affection and it annoys you.
Have you recently been annoyed that your paramour has plastered signs of their devotion all over your social media? Have you given up on responding in hopes to “not encourage it?” Have you locked your Facebook wall to posts by others? Since you’ve pulled away, your love has redoubled their efforts to win you over in ways that you’re starting to feel are deeply pathetic.
5. You can’t stand talking about plans for any date in the future beyond tomorrow.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Next week? It’s waaaaay too soon for me to make plans with you, even though we live together and I have absolutely nothing to do then.”
6. You’ve started spending a lot more time at work.
Aggressive pursuit of overtime, anyone? Accepting voluntary, time consuming projects like committee assignments and focus groups? Sounds awesome. Anything to avoid going home.
7. You’ve restarted a time-consuming hobby that doesn’t involve your significant other.
Suddenly, there’s no time like the present to meet your long-dormant personal goals. That popsicle-stick model of the Eiffel tower (to scale, of course) that you started in 8th grade suddenly demands that you finish it.
8. You’ve been moody and argumentative with the other person, who can’t understand why you seem to keep picking fights.
No transgression is too small for you to point out and create drama with. You thrive on conflict, because frankly, slamming the front door in a huff frees up your evening hours.
9. Cheating is starting to look attractive.
Your desire to resist the opposite sex has waned in a big way. You almost want to get caught cheating so that you have an “easy” way out of your current pairing.
10. You feel dead inside and like your life has no purpose.
Going on a hopeless, endless shame spiral? Maybe it’s time to examine your home life.
11. You’re considering “having another baby” to reignite the spark.
Because making babies always shakes things up for the better.
12. You feel them pulling away but instead of making you want to try harder, things between you feel even more futile.
Even happy relationships ebb and flow, but when yours hits an ebb, you can’t spare too much hope.
13. You’ve stopped making decisions in any way that protects your relationship.
You’ve solidly rocketed yourself right into IDGAF territory when it comes to your actions. You no longer care whether the other person is irritated, pissed-off or inconvenienced by anything you do. In fact, you welcome their displeasure since in a small way it gets the message across that you’re done.
14. You’ve delivered the “you’re too good for me speech.”
In a futile effort to drive them far, far away, you’ve had that talk that goes, “dah-ling, I’m a senseless disaster (fill in your own adjectives) who could never, ever be as nice to you as you are to me. I don’t want to tie you down/hold you back/dull your shine.” Sure. Right.