I don’t have to tell you how devastating it can be when a treasured relationship that you didn’t want to be over, ends. The pain is sharp, devastating and downright brutal.
But let me take a break from my regularly scheduled normal, healthy content to explain exactly how you can make this bad breakup even worse. Don’t let this be a minor speed bump in your life when it can be a Florida-sized sinkhole. After all, if you’re going to be miserable, you might as well go all the way.
1. Serenade yourself and others with sad songs on loop.
Buy every sad breakup song you can find (Adele anyone?) and assemble one big, long playlist. Load this onto your closest mp3 player, phone, whatever. If you can, play this out loud. Don’t mess around with headphones here, it’s important that the sounds of sorrow on repeat follow you from room to room and alert others to your suffering.
2. Stop all attempts at self care.
Right now and the foreseeable future, you’re too melodramatically sad to worry about showering. If your coworkers haven’t complained to HR about your BO yet, you’re not trying hard enough. Don’t worry about makeup or your teeth either. Since you don’t have to look nice for your ex, you don’t have to look nice for anyone.
3. Quit going to work.
A lack meaningful purpose during the day will make it even more obvious that your life is spiraling out of control. Just stop showing up. If you can stage a Fight Club style coup, even better. Don’t worry about your professional goals. Those can safely take a backseat to the knife in your heart.
4. Eat like crap.
Let go of the mistaken notion that you should eat a vegetable ever again. From now on, the crappiest processed fare is all you should ever eat. Wolf down Bagel Bites, Totino’s pizza rolls and Little Debbie snack cakes. Be sure burn the crap out of the inside of your mouth while you’re at it.
Make sure that all fast food workers and delivery people within a 5 mile radius of your house have your order memorized and recognize you immediately. If they aren’t snickering every time you pop up, you aren’t consistent enough.
BONUS POINTS: If you’re visiting drive thrus (and you should be), just dump that trash directly on your passenger side floorboards. Love muffin won’t be riding there anymore and that’s enough reason to fill up the whole extra seat.
5. Give up on clean laundry or any attempt to look pulled together.
You know that faded, dirty-looking sweatshirt left over from that time you gained the freshman 15 (okay, 30) in college? Dig that gem out and wear it nonstop. Those wine stains aren’t pathetic, they’re NOSTALGIC. Alternate this sweatshirt with something that belonged to your ex and “still smells like them.” It won’t after you’re done with it, but remember to use your imagination.
6. Cry on their doorstep.
There’s no time too late at night or inappropriate (holidays are the best) to re-profess your love with an unexpected visit. Don’t worry about changing clothes or cleaning your car (see numbers 4 and 5 above). The worse you look, the more your ex will regret their decision to leave you in the dust. If they’ve threatened to call the cops, you’re doing this right.
7. Threaten suicide.
DO NOT actually plan or try suicide. What you should do is share with your ex via any means necessary that if they don’t come back, you’re going to off yourself in dramatic fashion. Don’t say this jokingly, you have to make it believable so they’ll finally realize that they’ve made the biggest mistake of their life.
8. Call your ex’s friends and family.
If you can’t get your ex on the phone anymore, it’s time to dial up their Mom and explain what a catch you are. Suggest that her baby is potentially losing his mind because he broke up with you after saying it would never end. Cry during this. Point out that their beloved spawn might have serious psychological issues and “you’re worried about them.” Don’t worry about what your ex thinks about this, dramatic parental concern will only drive home your love for them.
9. Obsessively monitor their social media and report your findings.
Did they hit the ‘like’ button on a 4 year old photo of their coworker’s dog? Call someone and analyze this at length. No activity by your ex is too minor for you to take note of. Knowledge is power. This goes double for their selfies and Instagram posts. Get out the fine-tooth comb and really look at the backgrounds of those casual shots. Set phone alerts to their activity so you can remain in the know about their whereabouts at all times. Remember that this is the only tie you may have to them and you have to protect it with your constant attention.
10. Drink at inappropriate times and places.
Don’t let naysayers tell you that Sunday morning at church is a bad time for Steel Reserve or something tasty from the malt liquor aisle. Remember to economize, you’re going to be drinking a LOT.
11. Weep in public.
Personally, I’ve found the Target shampoo aisle a great location for this. There’s enough foot traffic where people will notice, but most people already know what they want. This makes it easy to see and be seen by a steady stream of onlookers without the shopping commitment level of say, the makeup aisle.
Okay, all sarcastic jokes aside, I know how difficult a bad breakup can be. This was meant to make you smile.