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“What’s Wrong With Me, Why Am I Just Not Interested In The Men I Meet?”
A reader wonders why she doesn’t feel interested in the men that are trying to date her.
Hello, I’m writing You form Latvia, sorry, for my mistakes in language..
I have a question. Recently I saw that you are giving good advice. I have a problem.
I was in a bad 3 year long relationship. We didn’t live together. Most of my life I have been in a relationship.. so, I am single since August. I have difficulties to form a new relationship. I’m meeting lots of men, but I lose interest very quickly.
Even when we are chatting and getting to know each other, I lose interest. I have health issues, and when I meet someone, I tell my situation. They understand, but soon, its like I meet them just because I’m sad that they want me and I don’t want them.
I lose interest in talking and listening to them. I know that I have high standards. I like handsome men, and not that I talk with ugly ones. Even if they are cute.. there are these things – one side of the boys want me just in bed, for sex. Other ones are so sweet and kind but I quickly lose interest. Sometimes overly attached men scare me, because I don’t feel the same.
Thanks for your question!
A few things to keep in perspective:
You have only been single for six months.
In the grand scheme of things, that is not very long, especially since your last relationship was bad AND you have been in a relationship for most of your life.
Since being in a relationship is what you’re used to, six months can feel like an eternity, but it truly is not very long.
It sounds a little bit like you are trying to force yourself out to date and meet new men when you don’t really want to deal the annoying parts of dating.
And… I don’t blame you. There is a lot about dating that is just plain frustrating, boring, mundane and irritating.
Sometimes, if we are going through a time like this, meeting the greatest man in the world would not make a difference. The desire to connect and meet the individual human being in front of you just isn’t strong enough to build a successful relationship.
Also, being single means freedom.
There might be a part of you inside that wants to experience that freedom, so you are going through the motions of dating on the surface while your subconscious tries to protect you from actually becoming attached to anyone new.
If you were hurt in your last bad relationship, it makes sense to be hesitant and gun-shy about getting involved emotionally with a new man.
Here’s my advice:
1. Don’t feel like you have to force yourself to find a new man right away.
Take the pressure off yourself a little bit. You said you were in a bad 3 year relationship. It takes time to get over that. It’s okay to see men casually, but give yourself a little bit of a break. Not being ready or interested in the men in front of you is completely okay.
2. Being single and choosy isn’t a bad thing.
Trying to find the new love of your life is NOT the way to find the new love of your life.
Being desperate to jump into a new relationship does not produce the kind of partners that we really want. Overly attached men scare me too. Overly attached PEOPLE scare everyone— men and women included. You are not alone in wanting to run away when a man wants to get too close to soon.
The kind of man you really want will be just as cautious as you are— and that’s completely okay. It will just take a little time for you to feel more ready and positive about having fun around men, which is what attracting men really requires.
3. Even if the men you meet want sex, you don’t have to give it to them.
You have the power of no. When men ask me for sex too soon, I like to thank them for the compliment and then simply tell them I’m not ready to do that right now.
It’s simple, effective and they understand the message. Just because a man asks you for sex doesn’t mean that he is bad, it just means he wants sex. All you have to do is tell him no and see how he acts. Some guys will disappear off the face of the planet and some will keep trying to court you until you are ready.
Sometimes women are quick to get offended when men ask for sex right away— and I understand that. I don’t like it either, it makes me feel uncomfortable. But in the grand scheme of things, gently and firmly saying no is all that the situation requires.
I hope this helps put things into perspective for you. Best of luck out there!