8 True Reasons Why Guys “Pop Up” Months Later

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why guys pop up months later

One of the more puzzling behaviors of the hot blooded male is his sudden disappearance (“ghosting” or “pulling a Houdini”) and subsequent lack of future contact.

Usually his later contact occurs the moment… no the very SECOND… that you’ve finally moved on and really quit thinking about him (I wish there was a way to fake it, but you can’t).

Here are 8 totally frustrating reasons why guys pop up months later after either a breakup or complete disappearing act.

1. He wants sex.

It’s a basic motivation, but it’s often easier for him to seduce someone he’s already been with than someone new. If he’s bored and wants to get some, you’re a potential possibility, especially if he can feel you out over text message from the comfort of his couch on Sunday night.

2. He had a random brain fart and wondered how you were.

Often his actions aren’t much more premeditated than a simple idle thought about you, then subsequent text message. He might say something funny or make an inside joke that you both shared.

For example, at one point I met this guy named James. In between non-love connection dates, James and I shared American Psycho jokes over text message.

After a short time, he disappeared completely without warning— only to reappear six months later with guess what… an American Psycho inside joke. It definitely wasn’t a love connection, so my best guess about why he texted after months was that he wanted to see if I would even respond at all and… see reason number 1.

3. He’s looking for an ego boost.

If your breakup was one-sided, say, he knows that you wanted to keep the relationship going but he didn’t, it can simply feel good to call you and remind himself that someone (anyone) cares for him.

This reason is usually subconscious and for sure, unflattering to you, but it’s a really common reason for a guy to come back months later.

4. Something reminded him of you.

You know how some song or smell will randomly remind you of an ex? This happens to everyone. Like an itch that needs scratching, something will make him think of you and then all of a sudden, there he is, saying “hey… whats up?” He might also want you back or it could be a total fluke. Men will also use this an excuse to talk to you after a breakup when they miss you.

5. One of his friends asked about you.

Ever been out somewhere with a friend and out of the blue, they ask about your ex? Does this annoy you as much as it does me? It’s like,“gah, I just stopped thinking about him! Thanks so much!” (sarcasm intended). This also happens with family members, acquaintances you haven’t seen for a while, etc. It’s frustrating because it’s usually after you’ve really made an effort to exorcise your ex from your life.

6. He finished dating that other girl who he dumped you for.

This reason sucks, but it’s actually pretty common. Whether you had actual unfinished business or not, often a guy will circle back around to a lukewarm relationship after he gave someone else a try and it didn’t work out.

This happens most after the demise of a long-term relationship.

After licking his wounds post-breakup, then doing his “triumphant” victory lap around the singles scene, it turns out to not be as glamorous as he had hoped. Once he realizes that “sowing his oats” wasn’t everything it was cracked up to be, he comes crawling back hoping for an ego boost or potential reconciliation.

7. You are suddenly a challenge.

This is particularly likely if you’ve gone no contact with him or have been ignoring his communication. Like a puzzle waiting to be solved, if you have gone dark on him, he will want to break down your wall and see if he can get a response.

A sign your ex is teasing you is if he communicates with you, you respond, and he drops the communication completely all of a sudden. It’s frustrating and enough to drive you crazy wondering WTF.

Another common time this happens is if you happened to be a little bit clingy during or after the breakup. Once you go completely no contact and go to great strides to forget about him, he wonders why, feels challenged and *poof* there he is again.

8. He genuinely wants you in his life.

If you want him back too… reuniting with him can be in your future. There are other signs your ex still loves you, like remorse, wanting to discuss the breakup, and making an effort to get back in your good graces.

The concept that he might genuinely want you in his life is last on the list for a reason, it’s the most tricky.

A guy genuinely deciding that mistakes were made and coming back involves a real leap of faith. If your relationship ended badly, he might have felt afraid to contact you up until this point. Men are more sensitive than women– even though they will never, ever admit it..

Keep in mind that no matter why he came back months later, it’s best to take a wait and see approach with him– especially if you liked him the first time around. Love isn’t lying around everywhere, so I urge you to at least hear him out.

Has this ever happened to you?

At first things are going great with a guy… there are the tantalizing texts and calls, flirty Facebook messages, and maybe things even get a little intimate…

Then IT happens.

It feels like suddenly something snaps in him, and he starts to withdraw… then out of nowhere he just completely loses interest in you.

Your texts and calls start to go unanswered. Soon he just fades out of your life.

To make things worse, if it’s happened once, it’s usually happened before.

What I’m talking about is something called “The Gap” and it’s perhaps the number one cause of unnecessary relationship problems.

The shocking thing about “The Gap” is how subtly it can destroy otherwise healthy relationships.

If you’re going through this or know someone who is, I highly recommend you watch this video now.

Watch this video to learn how you can bridge “The Gap” and use this powerful discovery to easily attract, connect with, and commit a perfect Mr. Right into your life today.

Ever had a guy come back months later? Tell me your thoughts in the comment section below.

About Elizabeth Stone

Elizabeth Stone is the founder of Attract The One.

Her popular program Ex Attraction Formula, has helped hundreds of women reunite with their men. She is thrilled to have helped so many people reignite the spark in their relationships.

Tirelessly focused on helping people improve their love lives, her work has been featured on EHarmony Blog, YourTango, Thought Catalog, Mogul, Fox News Magazine, Ravishly, Femalista, Popsugar, Read Unwritten, Medium and many more.

40 Comments

  1. Brianna

    January 22, 2017 at 3:08 am

    I feel like the no contact period is absolutely ESSENTIAL in gaining any REAL perspective on WHY your ex broke up your LTR or marriage (in my case-10 years!) after having been through what goes down in history as the WORST breakup of my entire life.

    If and truly IF you EVER have a shot at getting your ex back, OR simply FINDING OUT WHY he did what he did you need MONTHS (NOT weeks…or A Month) MONTHS of no contact! They will NOT forget about you. YOU will make your value increase over ANY OTHER parter or potential partner your ex may, or may HAVE HAD In the time you’ve gone completely no contact and served him or her with SHEER RADIO SILENCE.

    They will be curious– anger or any other negative feelings toward you will be banished and your ex will be forced to reflect on his time away from you, and I will ALMOST GUARANTEE miss you, and get into some sort of contact. But you MUST BE SILENT. IT IS KEY. Definitely don’t answer calls or texts, Don’t look at his, or his new current lovers (or recently broken up with lovers’) social media. Stay completely AWAY and WORK ON YOUR LIFE as hard as it sounds…YOU MUST DO IT.

    In my specific case, one day, seemingly out of the blue, MY EX of 10 YEARS broke up with me and kicked me out of our home of 8 years that we shared (for a girl 22 years younger than we are) and appeared to never even LOOK BACK.

    We were connected at the hip for about 11 years prior to the breakup, including one year of the “getting to know you” phase. Before we even started dating, until he met said WAITRESS at a diner he frequents in our small town, and the rest was history. Or so I thought.

    Until now.

    When he recently contacted me, owning almost ALL of the breakup which he blamed all on ME at the actual real TIME of breaking up and throwing me out for this girl (6 months prior to the current time he contacted me for the first time)…. ALL BUT one small minuscule part…that is, the fact that he broke up with me because he was infatuated with this WAITRESS he JUST MET, and “fell in love” and wanted to ” marry her, have children, and spend the rest of his life with her, seemingly overnight, and couldn’t rush ME out of his life fast enough…so sadly I did something seemingly counterintuitive at the time and VERY difficult to do…

    I LET. HIM. GO.

    You MUST let them go without begging or pleading, because see, if you beg and plead when he is in an infatuation period with another woman, it only makes you look desperate, clingy, and needy. And there is ZERO attractive about ANY of those things. TRUST ME, IT WORKS.

    NO CONTACT ALWAYS WINS for both of you in the END. Because not only do you focus on yourself– something chances are, you were NOT doing during the later months or years of the relationship with them… Which in turn, decreased your attractiveness and turned him toward another or outward toward attempting to attract someone else. Then he will realize that it is HE who did YOU wrong by leaving you…AND EVENTUALLY will come back, and when he does, you have worked on and improved yourself so much without him in your life, that you are again the very person he was attracted to in the beginning of your first relationship…wiTh HIM.

    Then he has no choice but to see that and knowing that you can either move on, if you are deeply hurt like I was about him jumping into something so fast with someone else..OR you can reconcile. But that will be up to one person at the end of no contact. And that person is YOU. THIS IS IF HE BROKE UP WITH YOU.

  2. Jennifer D

    February 5, 2017 at 10:54 pm

    Brianna you are so on point!!!

    I went through something similar with my ex who I was deeply in love with except we were together for 6 months. He broke up with me in a text, it was horrible and traumatic for me. His reason was he was not ready for a serious relationship after being newly clean and sober. We never fought and for the most part got along really well. I was also close with his family. I never texted, begged or pleaded after the break up.

    I did write him a closure letter after 7 months of no contact and he replied apologizing for the way he ended it. We wished each other well and that was it. I contacted him again this past April to let him know that he gave me HPV! 😢 He was extremely apologetic and had no idea he had it, he thanked me for letting him know, that was 9 months ago and absolutely no contact since then.

    Just recently he started following me on Instagram! I followed him back a couple of days later but so far he hasn’t texted. Everything you said really makes sense and I do still love him so I’m open to possibly reconciling if that presents itself but only if he’s ready and has matured. Thanks for your post it really helped😀 Jennifer

    • Melanie

      May 23, 2017 at 8:03 pm

      This is honestly crazy to me kinda went through the same thing.. I was with this guy for about 6 months He also had the same issue and a lot more with himself. He was never very opened up about his feelings and nor was I but he has been through a lot and I can’t just push things out of someone if they don’t want to talk about it then again you should be able to be open with the one you love though it is very hard I know from a lifetime of experience.. but the whole brake up started.. He broke up with me because he felt like he was dragging me along and didn’t want to pull me down which he was in a sense because he started being distant towards me because he was going through so much then again that’s never an excuse. it took him over a month to get back in contact with me again and he did it off of via message it took me a while to look this over if I really wanted to reply.. but I replied he did sound very sincere and apologetic for his actions of how he ended things but a text never means shit so I told him to call me after I got out of school so I could here it in his voice if he was really sorry.. I didn’t want to here sorry I just wanted answers I just wanted to know why it ended so fast and so easily if I even meant anything to him why he thought he wasn’t good enough for me and thinking he was a piece of shit when all I saw was a perfect being with potential to grow into a better person.. He explained himself and things went well but I wasn’t just going to take him back it’s not that easy especially after breaking things off with me.. I miss him and I love him and he does as well but if anyone reads this, if there’s one thing I know it’s that if you love someone who broke your heart and you want to give it a go again it takes time to rebuild that trust and love again.. you have to make sure your content with yourself and make sure they are as well too if they aren’t doing well emotionally or whatever it might be, you shouldn’t run back in their life you will only risk getting hurt again, They have to do that on there own. Of course you can support them, be there for them ect.. but by the end of the night you really only got yourself in this world and you have to make sure if you really want this then fight for it if you are the only one putting forth effort and the other person isn’t doing a damn thing then you shouldn’t waste your time on someone like that.. Actions speak louder than words like my ex said.. It defiantly takes time and you can’t rush something you have to focus on your life and take things at a slow pace time heals…

  3. Alice

    May 2, 2017 at 1:16 pm

    Two years off and on
    Everyone could feel,see the energy between us. I’m older he younger, he just broke it off. I moved on….then I settled the past with a letter. He show up the next day after 9 months. We spoke about our feelings, and said one day at a time. I am so nervous will be leave again. He came back saying sorry he don’t know why he did. Moving slow

    • Elizabeth Stone

      May 4, 2017 at 9:15 pm

      Hi Alice,

      Hang in there! Just take it super slow like you have been. That’s a great instinct. And, like I just said to Mikayla down below, make him really work for your attention.

      Rooting for you!

    • Sarah collins

      May 30, 2017 at 1:57 pm

      Hi, can I ask how many times you broke up before and how soon he would come back, I have just broke up with my partner of 2 years, he left me because his mum doesn’t accept any girlfriend he has ever had, his so depressed but so scared to upset her! He came back saying he missed me so much and wished we could be together, but his anxiety of his mum finding out got the better of him and he left again saying “you never know what the future holds” do you think he will come back ?

  4. Mikayla

    May 4, 2017 at 8:20 pm

    I need a little help here. My situation seems similar to everyone’s here but I’ve never been so confused in my life. I met this guy I was set up with. There was instant attraction and we were very similar. We started talking and a month later he asked me to be his girlfriend. Keep in mind that I was his first serious girlfriend at 22 years old. He wasn’t in it for the sex because trust me, there was none. 6 amazing months of love later he mentions something about being single. I asked him why and he says he doesn’t know why but he loves me so much that he doesn’t want to give me up. The next morning I told him I could see myself marrying him. 2 days later he ends the relationship and all he told me was that he just felt like he needed to be single. 2 weeks of extreme pain went by and I always felt the need for closure but it was always the same “I just need to be single right now”. Bullshit right? After 6 months of you telling me you love me and overnight you’re just done with me? Well he called me on Valentine’s Day but I wasn’t by my phone so he texted me Happy Valentine’s Day. I just sent him back a ? Because literally wtf. I told him he can’t do that. 3 months of not contact he likes a picture I’m tagged in. A week later his parents like a picture I posted. What is going on? I’m trying to move on with my life but everywhere I turn he’s there. I still love him but I’m still confused why he wouldn’t want me. I’ll be honest. I know I’m an amazing girlfriend and his friends told him all the time not to screw it up, as well as his mother. I’m respectful of myself and others and I care for others so much. But seriously? If you’re gonna dump me there’s obviously something wrong with you. Please help me try to make sense of this so I can move on

    • Elizabeth Stone

      May 4, 2017 at 9:13 pm

      Hi Mikayla,

      I love your self confidence. Please, please, PLEASE don’t let anything take away from that. Self love like that will get you an incredible relationship in the future.

      Now for my breakup advice:

      As frustrating and painful as it is, what you’re describing is really typical male breakup behavior. They get emotionally overwhelmed and dump women who were “the perfect girlfriend” all the time.

      The reason I put it in quotes is that the better partner you were, the more likely that someone with a self esteem issue can’t accept that you would be interested in them. Their own low self esteem makes them suspicious and doubting. Since they aren’t certain they deserve you, they have to do something to screw it up. So they find a way to sabotage the whole thing, let you go and then sorely regret it later.

      Then they miss you and won’t leave you alone. It’s totally textbook.

      So, it’s up to you to decide what you want. If you want him, then allow him to pursue you and really make him work at getting your attention. And I mean, WORK. He has to, otherwise he won’t believe that he deserves you and he’ll keep taking you for granted.

      If you don’t want him at all, then tell him he doesn’t have a chance and cut off all contact (and really do it).

      I hope that helps. Please update us on what you decide to do!

  5. Tjay

    May 6, 2017 at 5:36 am

    I’m 18 years old and I’ve basically known this guy for 4 years now. We used to talk every minute of everyday up until he got himself a girlfriend around this time last year. His girlfriend moved to Australia in November for a year and so I thought that things would get better when this happened, it did for a while but not for long. Two weeks after she left, we spoke every 2-3 days and ever since the middle of January, it’s only been once every two weeks.
    I’ve been getting so depressed and confused as he doesn’t give me a valid reason as to why he’s doing this. Apparently he’s ‘stressed with work’ but I don’t really believe that. Over the past two weeks, he’s been online on his Xbox as soon as he gets home from work and recently he’s been liking tweets everyday. He will look at my what’s app statuses but doesn’t even message me? He even sent me a message back in October to never leave him and I look back now and I’m like what the hell?!
    I don’t want to get him out of my life by blocking him out of it despite what has been going on and what he’s done to me. I have that little bit of stupid hope saying that he may come back back to how he used to be but I know that it’s probably going to be unlikely. And as this has been going on for 4 months now, will things ever change to how they used to be? I have no idea.
    We’ve both hurt each other and I’m surprised that he hasn’t blocked me. I just wish that I knew why he’s like this as he doesn’t give me any valid reason and he always comes back to me.

    • Elizabeth Stone

      May 6, 2017 at 8:42 am

      Hi Tjay,

      Thanks for your comment. That is frustrating for sure. But rather than write him off completely or block him, why not just date a few other guys at the same time as you’re hoping this one comes around. Because, if he does decide he wants to date you, it will be all in his own time.

      That being said, I completely understand how frustrating it is when guys say and do things that don’t line up.

      • Tjay

        May 6, 2017 at 10:14 am

        Yeah that is a good idea but because he lives so far away it can be difficult in terms of dating him. We had no problem whatsoever contacting through and by phone but yeah that’s true. It’s just being patient which is difficult but I’m gonna have to carry on and hope for the best! Hopefully things will work out in the end despite everything that’s gone on! Thanks for your response!

        • Elizabeth Stone

          May 6, 2017 at 10:43 am

          You’re welcome! And patience with men (or anything else) is the hardest part! 🙂 Good luck with him.

  6. Rita

    May 6, 2017 at 10:41 pm

    Help Please. I was with my boyfriend for three months and then he broke up with me. We are both 40. The relationship was great. He always mad me feel loved and I did my best to make him feel the same way. He constantly told me he’d never been as happy with anyone. He also told me he loved me and he was not going anywhere. On our first date he asked me what I wanted for the future and I told him marriage and hopefully 1 child. He’s divorced and has two sons. He told me he never wanted to get married again but he’s open to the possibility. We talked every day. A week before he broke up with me he introduced me to his sons. He told me they had never met anyone he dated before. Our last night together I made him dinner. We had a random conversation about a birth control commercial on TV. I teasingly told him that after I had our child he was getting snipped. He flipped out and responded he’s never getting married again and he’s not having anymore children. I asked him where was this coming from. He told me I should just be focused on getting to know him at this stage and not pressuring him for marriage and a child. I was completely confused. The two or three times we spoke about marriage was when he brought it up. He was the one who told me he loved me. He was the one that introduced me to his children. He was the one who told me we are both 40 and know what we want and he said he wanted a future with me. He said he wasn’t going anywhere. He even asked me if I would move with him if he had to move for work. At that point I was confused and just asked him what are we doing and what does he want. He just looked at me and said he loves me. I told him I’m confused and need space to think about us. He just looked at me. I told him I should leave. I explained I wasn’t leaving because I want to break up I just need to process what happened. He then told me I have a plan to get married and he’s never getting married so I should go find someone that will give me what I want and its over between us. None of that made any sense to me. I thought maybe he was having a bad night or was upset about something else. I gave it a couple days then I called and asked if he was sure he wanted to breakup with me. He told me he loves, admires and respects me more than anyone but we should stay broken up because I want to get married, my religion isn’t important enough to me and he’s right wing conservative and my friends and family wont accept that. I asked him where was this coming from we’re both Catholic and I’m 40. I don’t care if my friends or family disagree with his politics. He told me he did not have to justify his reasons to me and hung up. I sent him a text. I told him i love him and I can accept him for who he is but I can not force him to want us. I told him I’m sorry he’s too afraid or hurt to allow himself to be happy with me because he’s a good person and deserves to be happy. Three months later I still haven’t heard from him. The worst part is we met at work and are still working on a project together so I sometimes see him or have to email him for work. I make sure to only mention project details in my emails or when we see each other. The issue is I saw him at a meeting last week. In the meeting he jokingly told our group that no one loves him, he set next to me and he wore a pair of pants that I bought him. One of my co workers noticed that he was checking me out. I immediately decided he wants me back and i’ll be hearing from him soo. Am I reading too much into his actions at our last meeting.

    • Elizabeth Stone

      May 13, 2017 at 3:39 pm

      It sounds like a little of both. You’re probably reading too much into it AND there’s probably the potential for him to decide he made a mistake.

      It sounds like there’s definitely potential that he may want to revisit things down the road. Sometimes people have to realize you’re gone to really understand that they need you in their life. That being said, what he wants is his business and you can’t be held hostage by his whims, so all you can do about it is go out and date others and enjoy yourself.

      It’s easy for us to judge people who leave us under baffling circumstances as being fools who couldn’t appreciate something good, but when people aren’t used to good relationships, they sabotage them because good is not what they expect and not what they’re used to. That’s why the only thing you can do is let him realize the gravity of his choice by continuing to maintain the great boundaries you already have been.

  7. Becky

    May 13, 2017 at 3:11 pm

    Girls, I am completely ruined as a person. i married the love of my life 7 months ago and everything seemed so perfect…up until 16 April this year. He woke up, kissed me good morning, cried and told me his feelings for me have changed. He cried for 2 days and promised he will make it work. on the third day he stopped, moved out to the spare room and every time I cried and begged he said he will never come back again. We carried on living together up until last Sunday when I rooted through his phone and found messages from another woman. He swore and even messaged her asking to tell me how long they have been messaging for and she said 2 weeks, meaning after the break up. He had known of her for a while but never did a anything. He calls her a sex buddy but spills his soul out to her too. He said he has been unhappy and felt that he lived a life where he was ticking boxes and he feels his life has gone too fast and he had to slow down. I was having depression and whilst he had anxiety and he believes is because he wasn’t sure about his feelings, but there was a lot more going on at the same time too. we truly were happy and I have him all the freedom in the world but he still felt trapped and scared of the marriage. I wanted a kid and we startes trying in Jan. I left, I don’t know what to do with myself and where to go to. I dont feel guilty of anything and I didn’t know that in his head he was trying to fix the relationship. The truth is that I love him, more than I have ever loved. I am afraid of the new girl, I am afraid that due to his stubbornness he will never come back, I’ve lost half of my heart.He has been in touch since, we even had to share a room during a company conference. He treated me so well the whole night, up until hugged me in the bed and 2 min later kicked me out. I want my hapiness and my true love back

    • Becky

      May 13, 2017 at 3:16 pm

      Ps he wanted a kid…

    • Elizabeth Stone

      May 13, 2017 at 3:31 pm

      Hi Becky,

      Thanks for your comment. I’m sorry you’re going through such heartbreak.

      Now, let’s talk about this situation. First, at least you didn’t get pregnant with him right now– you have dodged a bullet. I know you’re not ready to hear this right now but eventually you will look back on this and realize that you are so lucky he did this now rather than 10 years after you had been married to him.

      Now. I want you to file for divorce. I know you don’t want to do this either, but you need to look into filing and do it soon before he gets someone else pregnant or does something irreparable that will make it harder to divorce him.

      Divorce is not the end of the world at all, and if you are meant to be, the relationship will work out in the end. But filing legally will start to protect you and avoiding getting a divorce will not avoid him leaving you.

      Next, be as polite to him as you can be and don’t do any serious talk about the relationship anymore. Just go about your business. He needs to see the consequences of his actions and he can’t do this if he is fighting with you.

      I wish you the absolute very best. Lean on your friends and family. You are not alone and you will be okay.

  8. Kayla

    May 15, 2017 at 12:12 pm

    Used to talk to a guy a few months ago until he got a gf. He came back a couple of months ago wanting to talk again.. we Would text on a daily basis and spent a few weekends together, met his friends and had a good time. Past couple of weeks he’s been really distant. I don’t try and talk to him since he hadn’t initiated anything with me. Yesterday after not talking for 4 days he sends me happy Mother’s Day. I just said thank you. He’s a couple years younger than me.. think he still has some growing up to do.. what’s your best advice?

    • Elizabeth Stone

      May 15, 2017 at 1:49 pm

      Thanks for your comment, Kayla.

      In the grand scheme of things, 4 days is really, REALLY short. Don’t worry about how long it takes him to circle back around, since he seems to continue to do that.

      I’d let him just initiate things like you have been and see if he eventually wants to go out or meet up or take you on a date. Make sure you’re dating at least 2 others as well as him and let him do his thing.

      • Kayla

        May 15, 2017 at 7:17 pm

        Thank you.

  9. Cheryl

    May 19, 2017 at 7:31 pm

    Had a relationship for 8 years out of nowhere he just stopped calling and spending the night.6 months later he shows up but I was unable to see him. Family​ stated she’s sleep.Now why is he coming back I’m confused and curious.Any thoughts?

    • Elizabeth Stone

      May 19, 2017 at 10:07 pm

      Hi Cheryl,

      He’s probably back because he misses what you and what you shared. It sounds like he left rather hastily in the first place. From your comment it sounds like you haven’t really spoken to him– but if you decide to, it makes sense that you would ask what happened. I’d prepare for no real solid answers. Other than that, I’d just wait and see what he does, unless you’re completely over him and want him to go away for good.

      Keep us updated on what happens!

  10. Kita

    May 23, 2017 at 7:18 am

    Hello my story is a Lil different we mutually decided to go our separate ways but be friends. Well a few days later I find out he’s all of a sudden in such a happy relationship from fb. We aren’t friends either on fb. I’ve asked him about it numerous amount of times he denies it… He still called and textEd everyday but I finally made my mind up. I can’t be his friend because I still love him. I figured friends would be there for one another. He talks to me when he wants to help barely responds when I reach out… I guess my next step is to block him… Am I going about it wrong or should I tell him I can’t be his friend.

    • Elizabeth Stone

      May 23, 2017 at 7:46 am

      Hi Kita,

      Since it sounds like you already made your decision about not having him in your life, it doesn’t really matter what you do. Telling him you can’t be his friend is one way to handle it, ghosting is another. Is your real question about wanting a BETTER friendship with him and not being able to get that, so then you want to confront him with the underlying intention of wanting him to actually do a better job at friendship?

  11. Jhay-Ann

    June 5, 2017 at 1:25 am

    I’m dating this guy for a few months already. At first he was so keen about me and shows he’s interested. Though we are not exclusive as he seem not ready for a serious relationship because for some reasons: (1) He is 5 years younger than me (I’m 34) and (2) He owns 2 companies and he is the concurrent COO of both. The last time we spent time together in all fairness he told me he has been too busy and stress on his work. He travels abroad frequently on business, and that I tried to be understanding and chose to remain. Besides I have no right to demand, right? To cut the story short, after that last meeting we had, he went on a trip again which he told me about. After a week he of no communication, he sent me a link to an article entitled “Marry the good guys and the nerds” an interview of Facebook’s exec Sheryl Sanders. I didn’t open the link immediately but when I opened it after a day I only responded like “Are you one of the good guys?” and he seenzoned me. After that I have not heard of him anymore and its been a month now. A day before his birthday last 30th of May, he reacted on one of my post on Facebook but I tried to ignore it. I am actually practicing the “no contact” rule to see if he ever exerts an effort to get in touch with me again. On his birthday, I can’t help but send him a birthday greeting but I wasn’t expecting for his reply though, and yes he did not reply. He has not opened my message yet but duh? I know he knows I sent him a message but WTF? I am upset of what he is doing/treating me but still I am giving him the benefit of the doubt plus I am moving on and just see if he still reaches out to me. I don’t want to contact and ask him what he is up to coz I don’t want to sound needy and yes, I am a woman with value and so I want him to realize that. It does not bother me that much but honestly, I miss him. And I still think he has the potential to be my boyfriend. I just don’t know how long will I wait for him to come back. Or is he worth waiting? What’s with these guys?

  12. Paula G

    June 23, 2017 at 1:28 pm

    My boyfriend of 7 years did the same. We are 23 and will be 24 very soon and he just broke up with me saying he got bored with always hanging out with me, even though he says I’m not boring, and just said that he wanted to try new things and new adventures that aren’t exactly sexual. he said that we are really young still and wants to do things that young people do. We’ve done this before when we were 18 freshman yr in college and broke up to experience that life. I m just curious to if he will come back. Undoubtly I believe that we have in fact true love and that maybe all this time that we spent together makes him want to feel free at 23. I am surprisingly liking the single thing for the moment so that I can get to know my grown up self on my own and not just know how to love a man and make money. I guess Im asking will he come back. He says he doesn’t see a future with me right now and that he also won’t be in any other relationships. I feel like we’ve been here done that I guess I just need clarification since he is the love of my life and I believe that I am his as well.

  13. Scion

    June 30, 2017 at 9:37 pm

    Hi pls my case is worse
    Met this guy in Facebook..after a while of talking and he told he had a gf in Dubai but it wasn’t serious cos she’s a Muslim and he can’t marry a Muslim girl..along the line I got attracted to him..he asked me out and I

  14. Casey

    July 2, 2017 at 9:15 pm

    Started dating this guy back in November up until April of this year, so a total of five months. We both sort of knew one another, would only see each other in passing and somehow became FB friends. He would randomly send direct messages on my birthday or to compliment my beauty or to place an order (I am a treat artist), but I just say thanks and brush it off. We crossed paths in a shopping mall and he messaged me later that evening to let me know that he saw me, but was afraid to speak. We chatted for a while and ended with a goodnight. He was on my mind for the next couple of weeks, so I reached out to speak, which resulted in him asking me out on a date. We went on our first date, he was such a gentleman, followed by a few more dates and getting to know each other. I knew his ex (attended the same college, but were not friends or associates) and he stated that they had been apart for over a year and had both moved on. I believed it because he had deleted all of their memories from social media, so decided to give him a try. I had been single for over 3 years and celibate for almost 2 before he came into the picture and he was chivalrous (asked me on a date), so I decided he may be worth a shot. First off, I realized that he was a “gift giver.” The only child, he was spoiled and maybe that’s how his parents treated him. He shared with me that ALL of his past girlfriends never fully appreciated all that he did. I listened to him sincerely and thought that I WAS going to give him a different experience. We got along really well initially; spent lots of time together, he was adamant about me meeting his family and vice versa, said “I love you” first, gave me access to his credit cards, even asked me to move-in with him (late January). He would get upset when I would tell him that I didn’t want him buying me things all of the times he offered (I was not in it for the materials, I had really started to like him for who he was). He would say that he never had women who cared enough to say no or rejected his gifts. I had to explain that I wasn’t rejecting him, I was just showing him that he was all that I was interested in. We hit it off with each other’s families and things were going really well. He stayed out a few times when he hung out with his friends which kind of upset me and we talked about it, but it was a red flag. Also, I asked him could I pray for him one night and he rejected it, another thing that did not sit well with me. He was on his way to a new city for three weeks for training for a new job that he had just accepted and that was my way of wishing him well and I wanted him to know that I was his number one fan. I am big on faith and my walk with God, so I am a praying woman who just wanted to ask God to keep her man covered while he went through this training. Mid February, I posted a picture of us on FB and he seemed upset. Basically saying that he doesn’t want his business over the internet and also stated that he ex called him about the picture. He claimed that he didn’t explain anything to her, that he told her that we were together. Anyway, this situation put friction between us which led to other small arguments which was ongoing for about a month. I had finally had enough of the fighting and asked him to dinner. He stated that he was tired of arguing and fighting, that he wanted to work on us and that he still loved and wanted to be with me. A week later, I walk into a restaurant to retrieve a to-go order and there he is sitting with this exact same ex. He did not have any explanation, did not apologize and probably ended up leaving the restaurant with her because after I approached him and asked her what was going on and not getting any answers, I left to avoid getting into an altercation. He ended up blocking me on all social media and his phones, but proceeded to contact me a couple of times like nothing ever happened. I asked what kind of games was he playing and he responded that he wanted to be done. Called a month later out of the blue to say that I had been on his mind for days and that he wanted to check on me and again about a week ago at 2 AM. I have recently blocked him as he has done me, so the call went to my blocked list (I still received the notification). I fell in love with this guy, stayed in prayer about the relationship, always reciprocated him, treated his family like mine, and introduced him to new ways of spending his time versus spending money like he loves to do. I cannot understand why after 3 mos of very minimal to no contact from him my heart is still longing for this situation and I still want to be with him after he has hurt me to the core and if he ghosted me and truly started back communicating with his ex, why is still calling me? I am praying for his growth and my heart’s restoration and strength, but I am still hurt and confused by this.

  15. Em

    July 3, 2017 at 11:40 am

    I met this amazing guy in November 2015. The minute I saw him, I knew he was the one. We clicked right from the first second. We were 100% compatible, he liked what I liked and hated what I hated, we shared the same interests, he wanted everything I wanted out of life and didn’t want what I never wanted. We understood each other without talking, finished each other’s sentences. The second I though of picking up the phone to text him, I receive a text from him. Same with calls. He was my entire world for almost a year and a half, and in return, I was his. He put me above all else and treated me like I was the sun and his whole world revolves around me, and I treated him like a king. I swear if he said ”cut off your arms”, I would have answered ”which one, sweetheart?”. He gave me everything a girl would ever wish for without asking. We talked for hours everyday and we never ran out of things to say. He shared his whole past and present with me. Let me in his soul, told me his secrets and fears and dreams. I knew every little thing that ever happened or was happening in his life. We hanged out like lovers who are insanely in love –which we were- and played like children -actually played- and laughed like best friends and flirted shyly and sometimes shameleslly like teenagers. He took me to the most romantic dates and bought me the most expensive gifts. I used to tell him ”He was created just for me and I for him”. It was too good to be true, a fairy tale. We never fought, not once, in 18 months!
    He never directly proposed but he talked about when we get married A LOT, and he continually tested the water, but I wasn’t ready so he took it slow. But we made a lot of future plans together.
    Anyway, on 7th of April 2017, I was 2 days late. I bought a pregnancy test and boom, 2 pink lines. I told him, he said we use protection and there must be a mistake –we were both agreeing children are not in our future– he asked me to do a blood test. I did, and it confirmed the pregnancy. On 11th of April, I called him at work and I was frantic, hysterical and got all crazy on him. He was distant and harsh, yelling me -for the first time ever- to calm down and that I am acting like the sky has fallen, then he told me to just make an appointement with a dr. to abort, I told him I need him with me. He said he had to go and that he’ll call when he gets off work. Of course, he never did. Till this moment. He also deleted his email and de-activated his phone number. He moved from where he lived and when I went to him at work, they told me he left his job!
    It was as if he never existed. I just can’t wrap my head around it, because I am not a fool, I know for a fact he cared for me and he never wanted to lose me. I know what I felt. So what happened? and how can he just toss me aside like trash like that? A lot of questions has been driving me crazy. I took a huge hit to my self esteem, and I questioned my judgment. I was devasted for months, but now I decided I freaked out and he did too. He had to shut off and detach from the situation. He made a mistake and then everything was ruined and no matter what, he will always be too prideful to ever think of coming back again. And even if he did, I spent more than 2 months alone and scared and broken and crying myself to sleep. I lost about 8 Kgs in less than 3 months. I thought my life was over and I did toy with the idea of putting an end to it. I loved him and I still do, more than anything in the world, but he walked out on me when I needed him the most. He treated me like trash. I deserve better, I know that, and I am already dating again -it’s awful cause I can’t stop comparing and I know no one will ever measure up or even remotely come close-. But that doesn’t stop me sometimes of hoping, that maybe, just maybe one day, someday, he will wake up and it will hit him. That he made the biggest mistake of his life, that he let the love of his life pass him by and that he’ll call me again. But deep down I know, he probably don’t even have my number anymore. He severed all the ties, so that he never be tempted. He doesn’t know his way back. and maybe that’s for the best.

  16. K

    July 11, 2017 at 4:52 pm

    Any suggestions:
    Started out 24 years ago we became friends grade school. Has always through the years tried to date me. I wouldn’t ever give in. So almost 5 years ago I finally gave in. We talked about what we both wanted and he knew I had already had a child. He was 8 at the time. He wanted a family wanted to be with me wanted to finally have the perfect woman. I have known his family this whole time. About 3 months into the relationship I’m finally allowed to be around family but still not attend friend outings due to recent breakup with ex. So Christmas hits. He tells me that he’s the luckiest man alive and wants to already put a ring on my finger. 2 days after x-mas he breaks up with me. What?! Says he jumped in to quick and didn’t know what he wanted. Went out of town for New Years. A couple weeks after New Years he texts me and I text back. We end up back together. A month goes by and I see a post on his fb pg that says “had such a great time can’t wait for u to come back. Miss ya” I instantly got upset. He said it was a friends party that he went to in New Years and she was a friend. Ok I dropped it. So he has a hobby that he leaves for the weekend. I was invited prob 30% of the time the other times he just went with his family. Then I would hear stories and just down right rude things that I would se on fb. I would complain but oh well I wanted to be with him cuz he says he loves me more than ever. And I’m the best for him. He is a difficult person to be with he admits that. Remember i have known him so I know how he is. So on and off he breaks up with me to go to parties, his hobby, guys weekends. I put up with all that if he didn’t just start a fight and ignore me for the weekend.
    About a year after we were dating him his ex gets enguaged. He finds out starts a fight with me the next day emails her telling her he loves her and how he was gonna marry her and propose to her. We def broke up after that. Couple months go by he texts me he sorry and loves me and didn’t know why he emailed her cuz he loves me. So confusing. Started dating again. We go good for a while after that then he has a hobby weekend, I’m not going with had something I had to do at home. Then I see pic of him and another chick on Snapchat. I get upset we argue things are ok. We’re good for about a year or so. Broke up this last November didn’t talk for a couple months started talking again. Things went back to normal. I was going over there to see him every night again, we never lived together. I would stay sometimes on the weekend. But I always made the effort to see him.
    He came back end of April. I had somewhat moved on since November. Still didn’t want anyone I loved him he was gonna be my last. I’ll just wait for him to grow up and come back to me. Since he has wanted me for 24 years ya know. I had a friends sitting in my porch talking and he pulls in unannounced. I ask him what he doing had a few words and he left. Called me 27x from a blocked number since he was blocked from my phone. Followed me 30 min away from my house cuz I was in a truck. Had other people intersecting with us while driving. Went nuts. Came to my house at 1130 at night I finally talk to him. The next two weeks wonderful. However I can’t be around his family for idk why but my family hates him. He has broke me down to many times weeks of crying and not eating. After those two weeks he was occupied with plans for 5 weekends. Family things. Did ask me to go but how. How can I. So we broke up a couple weeks ago I recently talked to him on the phone. Said he doesn’t know where this went wrong but he loves me and only wants me and wanted me to come over and stay. It was 3 in the morning. I told him maybe tomorrow he begged and pleaded. I didn’t give in. Next day I give in. Go over
    Found out he wanted some a** he fell asleep cuddling me I went home after a while next day I told him I can’t just be a stress reliever or chalk it up as a good time. I have feelings. I love you and I stated my case for 1/2 the morning. Next day went to a parade not asking me or my son. And someone came in to where I work and showed me pics of him and another girl. Then a day after there was another pic that surfaced of him and her. I flipped out he said se was just a friend like I have guy friends. She’s only a friend. Only 13 years younger than him. I don’t see my guy friends when we’re together out of respect for him. I’m lost, broken, anxious, I cry constantly over it. Feel like I can’t live. How can someone Want someone for 20 years get them tells them she is the only one he loves or will ever want and then be intimately and the 2 days later selfies with someone else? He always told me I will be the last for him he loves me so much and has for all those years. I love him with all my heart. We have always got back together.

  17. Cougar

    August 8, 2017 at 7:25 pm

    I was ghosted four months ago – and unfriended on Facebook – what I consider “Part Two” of ghosting. So rude! At least he responded to my text when I asked what I might have done wrong. He said he needed space – typical guy comment. I respected his need for space and never contacted him after that. I maintained ex-girlfriend compliance by not communicating with him again. Four months later…on a Friday…at 5:30pm, he sends a random text asking “Hey, how’s it going?” I waited about an hour before responding with “I’m surprised to hear from you.” Then, NOTHING!! He went out of his way to send me a text only to ghost me again. It was nothing more than a teaser text. If he really cared, he would have offered a colossal apology and explanation. I was even willing to hear his side and forgive, but he never gave me a chance. And men think WE’RE crazy?!

  18. Lady

    August 25, 2017 at 5:00 am

    This guy was a cool dude, but after six months we had an argument about him spending time with me after not seeing each other for a week. He cancelled dinners on me and claims to have forgotten a dinner, but he arriver twenty minutes later. We texted two days ago, but his texts are cold. I haven’t heard from him in two days. I’m done, and know that I’m not a priority for him. A waste of time and money.

  19. Z

    August 27, 2017 at 5:51 pm

    Hi
    I like reading all the comments because we can all somehow relate to this. My situation is similar yet slightly different. This guy started working at my work and 1-2 weeks later I noticed him more and more as he had a good sense of humor anyway long story short, he ended up liking me and I liked him too but I was slightly telling him no whenever he would try to kiss me or whatever. We became business partners and eventually he was fired and a month later I was terminated aswell as the employer we were working for couldn’t pay us. We were more determined to do our thing. Mean while he started distancing himself and I somehow found out that his ex was pregnant with his child. That was a hard pill to swallow. Any months of being hormonal, confused, trying my hardest every time we met to somehow attract him
    Towards him, I kind of felt the need to accept what was going on. However he would always say or do something that would bring me back to square one. We did hook up and I regret it a lot because everytime we did I would emotionally attach myself and he wouldn’t and we would start discussing how he can’t be in a relationship since his ex is having a baby and he can’t look like an asshole. Yet he wanted this secret relationship with me that was purely physical. Mind you I really thought he was my best friend in the entire world because we would hangout only when we were working on our business and would have the best time. I went for vacation to another country and his child was born and next thing i know I am unfriended on Facebook, blocked actually, and our communication has been shifted on emails, which really frustrated me because I felt like I am losing all sorts of connection with him because of his ex. In the end he told me that his ex can’t find out that we are conducting business together anymore and that we have to go our separate ways. I knew it was coming but I was still hurt. The only reason why she can’t find out is because if she does she will restrict his access to letting him see his daughter and maybe press charges to when they were together and had a domestic violent dispure. It’s so sad because I feel like he’s dead and I am mourning his loss which is imperative to healing. I did nothing wrong but to support him morally and financially and I lost my friend. I do realize that one day all this is going to look very silly and funny to him and I, as of right now it’s pretty serious and things need to be handled maturely with some space, I respect that, not sure how I will react when he does unblock me or message me which I know he will. They always come back and silence is the best curiousity for someone like him. It gets him going, in the mean time I have not crushed my dreams of having a business, I started one and am doing well in it, I plan to succeed, I just wanted to care and love someone and do everything with them so it hurts

  20. naira

    September 2, 2017 at 12:19 am

    We’ve been close for about 8 months. And yes ofc he used to act hot and cold in those period, but i was cool, thats not a big deal for me. Till, when he starts busy in work, he hang me in a text and answer it after two days (which is its me who send another text, saying are you okay?). And he replied saying he is fine, just so busy at work. BUT, there is no word ‘sorry’ as he usually does. And I didnt put a reply after. Now, 3 weeks has past, and we didnt contact each other. idk why but i hope he would text me again..
    Should I just hold myself, and never text him first?

  21. Anna

    September 2, 2017 at 4:17 pm

    Hey everyone,

    Wanted to get your thoughts. I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for a year and he recently broke up with me out of no where. Our parents had just met and loved one another and he told me the night they met he wanted to marry me and couldn’t imagine ever being with anyone else. Within three weeks, we ended. The week after our parents me his mates had said he was different (being the first guy in a relationship and just started a new job out of uni) I knew he didn’t like the fact they had said that. He also had pressures of paying off his parents house and debt as they had retired and then his best mate had convinced him just recently to buy a bar. With all this going on I asked him where I was in this as a priority because he was stressed and needed to pull back on our time together, when I asked for reassurance I was getting shitty with him all the time he couldn’t spend time with me, fair enough it was a bit much for two weeks but for the entire relationship I was happy go lucky and we have a great time together. I guess the last two weeks in my own way I was seeking reassurance of where am I in all this?

    Anyway, the night before we broke up he said he couldn’t wait to call me #wifey and for our forever. Why would anyone in their right mind say that and then the following day break up? He came round the next day and said the more he tried to make me happy the less happy he is and I said he was projecting on me with all his pressures and he said he felt consumed and thought someone else could make me happier and give me what I deserve.

    We are both different in age 4 years my junior and I’ve had a career for a bit longer. But I’m of the mind age doesn’t matter.

    People – is it his friends? Pressures in life? Not happy with himself or am i not accepting the obvious that he is just no that into me?

    I’ve done the no contact for 2 weeks bar his mum calling me and crying asking what happened, apparently he broke down and just said I deserve someone better.
    For the record there’s no foul play, you’ll need to take me at my word. Thoughts??

  22. ARan

    September 19, 2017 at 10:01 am

    Hi everyone,
    I’m dealing with something similar. I was dating a guy for about three months and then he said he’s not ready for a relationship. He’s the one that wanted to be serious, he’s the one that pursued and initiated everything. He’d always want to see me and call me all the time. I’ve been with guys in the past that have treated me like shit and finally after 7 years of going through heartbreaks I meet this amazing guy that actually made me happy. There was nothing wrong we were great together. He talked about a future with me and told me he’s never met a girl like me before that’s so caring, nice and amazing. I’m the perfect package and he’s so lucky to have found me. He said he can’t see himself without me and no girl has ever made him feel the way I do. We both know we have a great connection, like we’ve always known each other. One Saturday we went out and after met up with his friends, I was meeting this group for the first time. Everything was perfect, he never felt distant or awkward nothing. Then the next day I barely hear from him and then finally on Monday night we talked and he tells me he can’t do a relationship right now. He can’t handle the work of a relationship. I tried talking to him about not giving it up so fast but now he’s like avoiding me and treating me like I did something wrong. He said he’s too busy to miss me and is talking to other girls, even posted stuff on snapchat with a girl that he claims is a friend. I’m so confused and hurt, I don’t understand what happened.

  23. Morgana

    September 28, 2017 at 11:45 pm

    This literally just happened to me right now.
    I wake up. Check my messages and there’s this unsaved number. I check the profile pic and sure as hell its my ex.
    11 months after he ghosted me. He just left. No fights. No arguments. One day he was there and the next…like he never existed. He ignored all texts and calls from me.
    Never got any word from the day he left till now. For closure I assumed he died ( I had no option…I really hated him for that).
    I’ll hear him out to find out this mega reason why he messed me up…probably CANT take him back and don’t want him back. Just sincere closure.

    • Elizabeth Stone

      September 28, 2017 at 11:58 pm

      Wow! Thanks for sharing your story. Would love to hear your follow up about what he says once you talk to him.

  24. Amy

    October 5, 2017 at 6:17 pm

    I was really interested in my professor in university (masters)and we spoke briefly but all within the context of academia and nothing much; when i tried to show a little bit more interested he was not very receptive and the semester ended and we stopped all contact. 2 years later he resurfaced and started pursuing me and when i asked him why he was so cold early on he said that he was on the brink up of a break up with his girlfriend of a few years and that’s why he wasnt willing to get into something else. I have been seeing him for 3 months now and we were dating but we never talked about exclusivity. The attraction was great and the chemistry was there from the first date however he always mentioned he has commitment issues and is not willing for any strings attached especially when we got physical he used to disappear for a few days or even a week after and resurface with the excuse that he doesn”t want to get so involved.
    We never had sex but our last physical encounter was a very intense make out session which was 3 weeks ago and since then he has become very cold and distant. I have initiated contact like 3 times since then but he clearly stated that he’s so confused and doesn’t want us to meet up again as he is very attracted to me and knows we will get physical again and he didn’t want to get physical so as not to get himself more confused and attached.
    I went silent since our last contact which was a week ago and not planning to initiate contact again. Do you think there’s hope for him to come back or did he plainly lose interest?

    • Rory Jay

      October 11, 2017 at 4:09 am

      As a man I can tell you that he would not lose interest until after you have had sex. If he is a decent guy, being concerned for your feelings but not wanting a relationship with you, he would keep his distance. The special ‘it’ that exists between two people is a rare animal indeed and is perhaps the one universal state we all crave. But ask yourself…do you want to involve yourself with a man who is uncertain that he wants to begin a relationship with you? You could be checking into heartbreak hotel for an extended stay!!

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