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10 Reasons Why I Will NEVER Call My Ex Even Though I Still Love Him
Awhile back, a man who I love very much decided that he wanted to deal with some serious personal problems alone.
Unfortunately, he meant “alone” with a capital A— no more relationship or even contact with me at all.
I have a huge amount of respect for him and that decision, and at the time I told him that I would be there for him no matter what, which remains true.
But, being there for him does not include me trying in any way, shape or form to stay in touch with him.
If he wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me, but my respect for his decision includes leaving him the hell alone.
It really hurt, and I hated losing him, but I have accepted his departure.
One by one, over the next several months after that breakup, my friends each suggested I get in touch with my ex— and made reasonable and compelling cases for why I should do so.
My “shouldn’t I?” or “should I?” call my ex dilemma strikes to the heart of several relationship issues that I deal help women deal with. In fact, helping women get their exes back is my specialty.
That’s why it is worth talking about times when we don’t choose to do anything to get an ex back— and this situation of mine is a good example.
Here’s why I will never get in touch with my ex or do anything to try and get him back even though I love him and know our relationship worked well when it was going on.
1. I want a full relationship with this man or nothing.
One friend suggested that I could lovingly get in touch and offer support as a human being trying to help another human being.
The problem is, I can’t offer my support without hoping for more.
I will not settle for offering endless “friendship” and emotional support until our chemistry dies forever because of my misguided, sweet attempts to “save him” (hold on while I throw up in my mouth just a little bit).
If he wants to step back into our relationship now or at any point during the future, he knows exactly where to find me.
“Checking in, checking up, helping out, etc” or trying to get involved in fixing his problems are not behaviors that make sense anymore, since he clearly said no to me and my particular brand of amazing.
2. It’s time to stop lying to myself about what I want and what I’m really doing.
I could tell myself five ways from Sunday that I was trying to “be a good human being” and “I care about him as a person” but real talk— I would be lying— worst of all to myself.
I want him.
I cannot and will not pretend or downgrade my feelings for him into friendly caring about “how things are going.”
We have to consider the concept that we’re not angels and sometimes our very presence could make things worse.
All of the gentle, caring actions in the world are not valuable if they offend the person you’re obsessively “caring” about.
In some cases, “caring” masquerades as control. If you feel out of control about a situation, what better way than to gain control than to try and “help”?
I DO care about him as a person. That’s why I’m following his lead.
3. I’m not abandoning him and he doesn’t “need me.”
Another reasonable point that my friends have made is that I should show my caring for him— to remind him that I was “here for him” when times were tough.
You can’t abandon someone who told you clearly to go away. That is not a thing.
Continuing to try and help someone who does not want you to help is NOT HELPFUL.
I respect him more than I want to try and decide for him what he needs.
How do I know he doesn’t need me? He isn’t with me.
All he has to do is pick up a phone, write me an email, send me a smoke signal and I will be there for him, happily, no questions asked.
4. He might be too embarrassed/ashamed/confused/angry/ (insert other emotion here) to get in touch or think I’m angry at him.
Maybe so. In his place, I might feel the same way.
But you know what?
If I let someone go because I wanted to go on a personal journey, I would eventually accept the fact that breaking up was my decision, thus MY responsibility to reverse course if I wanted to revisit the relationship.
As I have done before, in past relationships when I made a mistake.
At some point— maybe YEARS from now— when I wanted to— I would get over myself and pick up the phone.
The benefits of being around the other person would outweigh the potential slings and arrows to my pride.
However, time and circumstances are important factors here.
Loving your ex and wanting them in your life does not mean that you automatically possess the emotional resources to be in a real relationship with them. Maturity is realizing your own limitations and letting someone else go rather than dragging them through the mud with you.
I’m sorry everyone, love does not conquer all and it is not enough.
And, in the event that my ex does not actually love me, why in the world would I subject myself to being in someone’s presence who I love but doesn’t want me?
That shit is painful, pointless and I’m not going to do it ever again. It’s time to take care of my own feelings and let him take care of his.
5. Fear-based worrying is not my language anymore.
ALL of these nightmare-scenario, mental-gymnastic reasons for why I should fall all over myself to call my ex are fear based— and I’m done entertaining that.
“What if he could use someone to talk to?”
He’s a phone owner who has a sexy and working voice last time I checked.
“What if he’s barely holding it together?”
My magic wand has not been working for awhile now, but I’m willing to whip it out if he asks.
“What if you have the super-secret code to happiness and all you have to do is fart and everything will be okay again?”
I’m pretty sure that isn’t how it works.
Or my favorite:
“What if he’s dead??? What then?”
Well… I haven’t tried recently, but my necromancing skills are horribly underdeveloped.
My last memories with my ex are incredibly happy.
If he’s really dead— unlikely— but, ok— why in the WORLD would I want to soil those memories by knowing “the whole story” and flood my body with stress and more pain, rather than just accept the simple reality that he’s not here?
Not my problem, and not my stress. That leads me to my next point.
6. Worry is a useless and unproductive hobby.
Why would I spend my time worrying about another divine being with his own path when I can stay in my own lane and learn something new like woodworking or a practice a sport?
I’ve never heard anyone say, “thank God we saved you from certain death with all that worrying!” Have you?
We could play pretend all day long.
Maybe he secretly wanted to join a commune.
Maybe he’s a monk now.
Maybe he’s in love with Shelia from work and they’re engaged and plan to have 6 babies.
Worry doesn’t change crappy circumstances, save anyone, control reality or fix any relationship. And we have to stop using it like a magical amulet for any of these purposes.
Worrying about my ex out loud by trying some kind of pity play over text message is just a covert statement that I don’t respect or trust his decisions.
7. “Not yet” does not mean “never.”
People work through things on their own time schedules.
If my ex wants to get in touch with me, he will. If he doesn’t want to, why would I try to force him to be interested in or ready for a relationship with me that he has clearly rejected?
The reality is, my ex is not calling me right now. That could change at any time or it might never. But the thing is, it’s up to him and I have to trust and respect his timing.
8. We did not break up for any reason I can change.
All breakups are murky. ALL of them involve problems on both sides. When I coach people through breakups and help them get their ex back, doing an inventory of why the breakup happened is one of the most important parts of getting back together.
Getting dumped because I’m acting like an ass or we fought a lot is much different than my ex leaving me because he has personal things to take care of.
I’m flawed and human and sometimes I make mistakes that hurt other people. But since this wasn’t one of those times, saving our relationship is not in my wheelhouse.
9. I’m diminishing the value of my own company by forcing it on anyone.
Forcing myself into places I’m not wanted is NOT heroic or romantic.
I’m tired of creating, allowing and cultivating situations where I was “so self sacrificing” that later down the road, my resentment reaches a fever pitch and people start tacking ‘martyr’ onto my name.
I have spoken that angry language of bitterness and score-keeping too much.
I am not one of those “LOOK WHAT I DID FOR YOU” women anymore. I am willing to give what I feel joyous in giving and then I stop giving. Anything else is selling myself out.
All of this self sacrifice with men has never gotten me even a tiny bit more love than before I did it. In fact, I would be better off in my life as a whole if I had never, ever tried to go the white knight route. I’m over it.
Someone must choose me to get my attention. Otherwise, I will peacefully and gently withdraw it.
10. I trust him.
My ex is an incredibly capable, intelligent human being who ultimately finds a way to take care of himself.
If he thinks that the best route for us is for him to say no, then who the hell am I to try to take control or inject myself into his life?
He’s the boss.
Sometimes the highest level of love and caring that you can give someone is to respect their wishes. There is a time to “not take no for an answer” and there is a time to back off, sit down and shut up.
My acceptance and lack of “checking in” do not make me an uncaring monster.
My actions simply mean that I love myself and respect him more than I think it’s a worthwhile exercise to force him to have me in his life if he doesn’t want that.
I don’t love him any less, it just means that I’m willing to lovingly put myself first.
After all, that’s exactly what he’s doing.
If you are going through a breakup and want another chance with your ex, watch this video I made for you which describes the 3 mistakes you must not make if you want any chance of getting back together.