“If I’m So Perfect, Why Do I Keep Getting Dumped?”

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why do I keep getting dumped

A reader wonders why guys keep telling her she’s great and she deserves better right before they break up with her.

This is part 3 of myself and Robert Dunn on his Orion Group Podcast, episode 36 (link to full episode opens in new window here).

Find Robert at PurposeOfInfluence.com and subscribe to his podcast on iTunes here.

Robert: From Karen:

“I keep getting this feeling that guys fall hard for me but after some time they choose not to have me in their lives. They respect me and always have my back but keep telling me how much I deserve but then again, if I’m that awesome, why don’t they want to be with me and be inspired to be better versions of themselves?

I’m missing this filter, either I misinterpret things as they really are and ignore red flags when I keep being in the relationships for way too long and tolerate things that I shouldn’t.”

Elizabeth: A few things stick out to me.

First, that she says that they respect her and they tell her that she deserves someone great but they still leave her.

What that says to me is that she’s got some masculine energy going on.

That can create a situation where a male just feel like, “oh, I better send you out to find the Messiah because you know obviously I can’t live up to your ideals of perfection.” That especially happens a lot when women compete with men. When a women is like, “anything you can do I can do better.”

That’s how you get “perfection” broken up with.

Robert: Right.

Elizabeth: The guy thinks, “Go out. Go forth and find him because I will never live up to it.” That’s what sticks out to me.

Women who have it together can really turn men off and that’s because they think that they have to show him how put together they are when that’s not the energy that’s really attractive.

Robert: Right. And a lot will go to spice, these all one and two because I can think this is where you get the whole “cool girl” element coming into this as well.

It’s exactly right, you see a lot of see women– female CEOs, executives and power women who seem to have this type of complaint a lot as well.

Elizabeth: Yeah.

Robert: You’re absolutely right. Because relationship doesn’t necessarily care how much masculine energy or who’s providing it, it just needs both, right?

It needs an even balance of masculine and feminine energy. I know a lot of people would tell you that power men to act a certain way or “I need to start being more of this or more of that.” I’m not an expert in that so I don’t really have too much opinion on that.

At the same time, I definitely agree with the fact that our society has definitely made it more of a masculine thing for women.

A lot of women are becoming more masculine being in a workplace because that’s what it does to you. Testosterone builds when you go on a work all day because that’s what men have done.

But you’ve got to find your sweet spot and flow into that vein when you feel like most like a woman. I know women who will, after work, go home and take a bath before they go and talk to their husband.

Elizabeth: Yes!

Robert: You know what turns them back into “a girl” right? [Laughter]

Elizabeth: Yeah, anything you can do like that to feminize yourself after work is a good idea.

Robert: Right, absolutely.

And the whole “cool girl” thing has been put out. I think a lot of times men didn’t even really think about it when we started saying this kind of stuff, “Oh yeah, I want to go and watch football, you know, she swings with me and has great sex, wants to have sex a long time and all.”

Then, a lot of times girls will try to contort themselves into that. And then the guy is like, “Well, that’s just my home boy. You know that’s just another one of my guy friends.”

I really don’t want that if I’m heterosexual anyways. So, it’s definitely important to find that feminine energy and where that comes out of you.

Sometimes it may be, take a bath, sometimes it might be getting your nails done, it may just be to sit by yourself reading a book and in 20 minutes you’re a girl again.

It’s definitely about being able to find that for you figuring out what puts you into that mode.

Most women know when they’re in that mode again, right?

What I tend to experience is they know how to get themselves into that mode when they want to.

But exactly when it comes to the competing issue. You’re an executive, you earn your own business and can prove to me that you know you got it together.

I’m like, “cool, that’s fine but I still want a girl, right?”

Elizabeth: Well, and men marry for sexual stability, for sensual stability. They don’t marry because you’re a super career woman. That’s not why they stay in relationships.

They might like it, think it’s OK and be supportive—and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a career woman— I’m one myself.

But sometimes what gets us ahead in the rest of our life is not what gets us ahead in relationships.

Robert: Absolutely. And, the same thing with guys who have to learn the same thing eventually when you can’t treat your girlfriend or your wife like your buddy.

Elizabeth: No. No, it kills chemistry. It’ll make it so she doesn’t want to sleep with you. Do you want that? Probably not.

Robert: Right. Oh god, no, I do not want that.

Elizabeth: That’s like,we’ll be in bed eating wings and burping a lot. It’s still delightful, we’re all going to love it.” So…

Robert: I think one of the biggest things that I’ve had to get women to understand is what we get from sex what you get from cuddling.

What you get from having those deep, intimate conversations and connection that you desire—it’s so hard for women to understand we get that that from sex.

A lot of times women think sex is a result of them having that intimacy. When they have that intimacy, when they have that closeness that’s what triggers the sexual you know in a lot of times. For men it’s almost completely the reverse.

Elizabeth: Yes.

Robert: So, the way you hunger for that intimacy is how we– I guess it’s getting to a point where now you realize that it’s the same hunger for sex.

We’re both chasing the same thing. We’re chasing connection, right?

Elizabeth: Right. Absolutely.

Robert: We’re chasing closeness. It’s just that how we arrive there is different and we don’t respect the other person’s way of getting there. And it causes a lot of problems obviously but we’re all learning.

Elizabeth: Absolutely.

Click here to visit part 4 of this episode.

Visit Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4 of this episode.

Find Robert at PurposeOfInfluence.com and subscribe to his podcast on iTunes here.

About Elizabeth Stone

Elizabeth Stone is an author and founder of Attract The One.

Her popular program Ex Attraction Formula, has helped hundreds of women reunite with their men. She is thrilled to have helped so many people reignite the spark in their relationships.

Tirelessly focused on helping people improve their love lives, her work has been featured on EHarmony Blog, YourTango, Thought Catalog, Mogul, Fox News Magazine, Ravishly, Femalista, Popsugar, Read Unwritten, Medium and many more.

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