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Why Your Ex Doesn’t Respond When You Text Them
This is Clay with Relationship Inner Game. Today, we’re going to talk about why your ex doesn’t respond when you text them.
This is for people who are going through a breakup, who maybe want to get back together with their ex, work things out and save that relationship.
There are a couple of reasons why your ex may not respond to you when you send them a text message.
Before getting into that, I want to make sure that you’re not inventing stories to tell yourself in your mind like, “They’re not responding because they hate me and they have fallen in love with someone new and they never cared about me and our whole relationship was fake and I mean nothing to them now” right?
You have this wonderful thing in your mind we call your BS machine. It takes these blanks and fills in the missing details with the worst-case possible scenario.
I’ve seen it over and over and over again. People think, “Well, my ex hasn’t texted me back, it must be because they found someone new and they don’t like me anymore and they hate me, right?”
And that’s not necessarily always the case! It’s not realistic to jump to the conclusion of assuming the worst thing possible.
Don’t do that. Instead, don’t feel as if you need to fill in the blank with a worst-case possible scenario.
In fact, here are some 3 things that you may want to consider before you jump to the worst possible case scenario.
Now, the number one reason why a lot of people’s exes do not respond to them after a breakup is because of reactance.
I’ve talked about reactance in many of my videos, in books and programs that I’ve written.
Reactance is basically an emotional state that people feel when they think that somebody else has an ulterior motive, a hidden agenda and they are trying to force you into whatever that outcome might be.
Often, people’s exes have this state of reactance towards them because they think that their ex wants to get back together.
Your ex might fear that when you contact them, when you interact with them, when you’re talking with them, when you’re inviting them out to do things, it’s because you have the hidden agenda of getting back together with them.
If your ex thinks that’s what you want and where you’re trying to steer them, then they are going to distance themselves and pull away from you.
You might be thinking, “Well, I DO want my ex back. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to hide my desire or agenda?”
And my answer is no. You’re not supposed to do that.
What I’d rather you do is simply acknowledge the fact that you don’t necessarily want the relationship. You don’t want to get back together.
What you really want is to have a connection with this person in your life, right?
You want to have a connection with this person regardless of whether that takes the form of a relationship or not. You want to feel connected with them. You don’t want just a relationship.
I would want a relationship where I can feel connected with somebody else. There are lots of people out there who have a romantic relationship but hate that relationship, right?
That’s because they don’t have the connection. They don’t have any of the other things that they want in a relationship.
Go through the things that you want and trust that once you have that connection again, the relationship will come about organically.
That’s probably how things happened when the two of you first got together. It wasn’t like you said, “Let’s have a relationship” right away.
Instead, you say, “Hey, let’s get to know each other.”
You talk and think, “hey, it seems like you and I have a lot in common. Do you want to get together for coffee, maybe we can talk some more, maybe get together for drink afterwards?”
And then… “you’re really cool, let’s go out on a second date. I know this great restaurant over here.”
And eventually, it was like, “You know, we have a lot in common. We have a lot of common values. So let’s go ahead and be in a relationship.”
That’s probably how it happened organically. It happened because of the connection.
Go for the connection and then the relationship will organically grow.
So that brings us back to this whole thing about the hidden agenda.
Because your ex might suspect that you have a hidden agenda, they might think that you want to use them as a means to an end— to get a relationship, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a commitment or something like that.
They might think that you are using them as a stepping-stone to get that thing. And they may feel as if you’re trying to steer them in this direction that they may not be emotionally ready to go.
That’s why you have to be mindful of reactance.
If you are contacting your ex and they are not responding to you, it could very well be because of that reactance.
Go do the relationship quiz and sign up for our newsletter over at RelationshipInnerGame.com to learn how to deal with your exe’s reactance.
2. Your ex has things going on.
The second reason why your ex may not respond to you is because of things that are going on in their life.
I know that when your ex doesn’t respond to you, it’s pretty common to think…
“What did I do wrong?”
“Why aren’t you responding to me?”
Often it has nothing at all to do with you whatsoever but it has everything to do with what’s going on in their life.
Maybe they are busy with school or a work project, a hobby or something like that. And they just don’t have the time to really respond to you. They don’t have the emotional or mental capacity, and the physical time to respond to you.
Just recently we had a question from somebody whose ex wasn’t responding to her. It was because her ex was actually rehearsing for a play. He’s sitting there memorizing of his lines and he doesn’t have really the emotional space or capacity to respond to every text message. Your ex could simply have something else going on.
Another common thing is when people’s exes go on vacation and they’re like, “Well, my ex stopped responding to me because he’s like sailing through the Greek islands or somewhere.”
You know, when you’re on vacation you’re not in the same head space that you are back at home. You’re thinking, “Oh, this is great. This is beautiful. I want to see this famous thing. I want to go this place.” And there can be time differences and all that travel-related stuff.
There might be something going on in your exe’s life that is pulling their attention away. That could be one of the reasons why they’re not responding to you.
3. The way you approached them.
Of course, the third reason why your ex may not respond to you is the way that you contacted them.
It might be the way that you initiated the content of the message that you sent them, right?
We’ve talked about reactance, we’ve talked about them and their stuff but now we’re going to turn things around and talk about how maybe it was your approach.
People can often contact their ex in a way where there are little ways that they’re phrasing things or maybe they’re like saying things in a way that their ex may either— rightly or wrongly— interpret as desperate or needy or whatever it might be.
That can definitely be a turn-off for your ex. In those cases, it is important you adjust the approach you’re using.
But it’s not always about your approach. Sure, it can be some of the time, but many other times there are other things going on with your ex besides just the words in your text message. So, don’t jump to the conclusion that you used the wrong words. There can be any number of other things going on.
I hope this has helped you understand maybe why your ex may not be responding to your messages.
If you want learn more about how to connect, bond and come back together with that special person that you love please go ahead and check out our website and signup for our email newsletters so that we can start helping you get the kind of relationship that you want.