“What Are My Chances Of Getting Back Together With My Ex Girlfriend?”

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chances of getting back together

A reader wonders about his chances of getting back together after he was emotionally abusive to his ex girlfriend.

Hi Elizabeth,

I suffered a break up last year Aug, we were together for 4 years.

I always blackmailed her emotionally, I used to have temper issues so there were times I screamed at her in public, she was traumatized.

I always liked keeping her all for myself. I would get angry if she made plans with me and then met a friend on short notice, I used to feel ditched because of that. But I truly loved her, she finally broke up with me because she felt I was holding her back, until she really left me.

It’s going to be almost a year, she kept in contact with me for the first 3 months after the break up, and started ignoring me totally before 2017 broke. She claimed she had anxiety issues before that, being around me scares her.

She hasn’t deleted me off social media, I think she is still talking to my sister every now and then. A friend of mine told me to delete my social media as I was stalking her and also I can use this time to focus on myself rather then her.

So I deleted it 2 months ago.

I have many questions but I’ve been bottling up inside.

1) Does it bother her at all that I’m gone? (because she made many new friends after the break up)

2) What are the chances of getting back together?

I really hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks for your questions. I’m sorry you’re going through a painful time during your breakup.

Sometimes, as much as we don’t want a breakup to be our fault, we deserved it.

…And, there are serious lessons to learn from it.

I’ve been there. The shame and blame are painful and intense when you realize it was your fault. I don’t envy the emotional storm you’ve gone through over this breakup.

However, you were the one to traumatize your ex girlfriend. I don’t say that to beat you up further, it’s simply the reality here.

And… I am happy to read that you’re trying to take responsibility for your part in the breakdown of your relationship. Admitting there is a problem is the first step to solving it.

Unfortunately, brace yourself for what I’m about to say next because I don’t have good news.

Yes, it probably bothers her that you broke up.

Almost all exes feel pain over a breakup.

However, there is not a correlation between the pain that someone feels over a breakup and the likelihood that the relationship would work long term they got back together.

That leads me to my answer to your second question.

Your chances of getting back together with your ex are not very good based on what you’ve described.

You said your ex was responding to you and now she’s stopped because she’s afraid. On her part, going no contact with you is a healthy thing to do.

She needs time to move on and heal.

And frankly, she SHOULD move on while you get to a place where you can be a healthy partner for anyone.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you don’t deserve to get back together with your ex based on the emotionally abusive way you treated her.

That being said, I appreciate that you’re trying to grow after this breakup and fix some of your mistakes. That is really the best you can do here— both to honor the relationship that you had with your ex girlfriend and any potential woman you date in the future.

It takes courage to face your mistakes. It takes courage to email me and listen to good advice from your friends. Those are good things. I applaud you for those.

However, as much as I wish your positive actions in the present could change the past, even my magic wand is broken here.

Not only were you abusive during the relationship but you admit to stalking her after the breakup over social media.

While most people voyeuristically check up on their exes at least a few times after a breakup, full on obsession before you deleted your profile is not good.

Your friend was wise to tell you to stop stalking her and you were wise to follow their advice.

You need to work on yourself first before you’re ready to have a relationship with anyone.

It’s time to look in that closet of yours and bring those skeletons out into the light so you can deal with them.

It’s time to get to the bottom of your anger and control issues.

It’s time to redefine your relationships as an opportunity to love someone else and get to know them, not conquer them or subject them to your ideal rules of behavior so you can extinguish your own anxiety.

It is NOT time to try to get your ex back.

Getting back together with your ex in this low place is an act of control and possession, not love. You can’t fix the past by repairing this relationship.

Since you really love her, you want what’s best for her, right?

In this case, that means respecting her wishes and leaving her alone to heal.

You see, for a relationship to get past the kind of abusive behavior you described and rekindle things in a healthy way, both of you have to have gone through massive personal changes that make a new, healthy relationship possible.

And… you both simply haven’t had enough time to either deal with your issues OR get over each other.

I want you to act loving toward your ex now, and you do that by respecting her wishes. She said being around you scares her. That’s a pretty strong statement that I want you to honor.

That means it’s time to let her go and focus on yourself.

I know you have a protective side— I can see it in your writing. Please use it now to protect her from being hurt by you ever again. That means leaving her completely alone while taking the time and using the love you feel for her to do a better job in the future.

Allow yourself to completely learn the lesson of this loss— which is that you will always lose by trying to control someone else.

Your situation reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Thich Nhat Hanh, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

The only way to process the emotion and mistakes of our past is to resolve to take a positive action as soon as possible. Today, I want you to resolve never to treat anyone in that angry, painful way ever again.

You must now take all of that love and care you once shared with her and turn it upon yourself. People who are hurting hurt people. Please take the time to heal.

Love is enduring. If your relationship is still meant to be after all you’ve been through with your ex girlfriend, it will eventually be. Getting to the best possible version of yourself will make your future bright no matter what happens.

Either way, it’s time to let go.

About Elizabeth Stone

Elizabeth Stone is the founder of Attract The One.

Her popular program Ex Attraction Formula, has helped hundreds of women reunite with their men. She is thrilled to have helped so many people reignite the spark in their relationships.

Tirelessly focused on helping people improve their love lives, her work has been featured on EHarmony Blog, YourTango, Thought Catalog, Mogul, Fox News Magazine, Ravishly, Femalista, Popsugar, Read Unwritten, Medium and many more.

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